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Monday, November 9, 2015

[2014] [22 Jump Street] English Transcript

22 Jump Street
(2) You're a fucking nerd
(3) Boy, you lucky you even graduating
(4) Fuck Oh
(5) You're good at this, huh Yeah
(6) You're really good at this Yeah
(7) Hey, you want to be friends
(8) Yours isn't loaded, right
(9) Just touch it I'm scared
(10) Just touch it
(11) Seriously. All right all right, all right
(12) You took a bullet for me, man
(13) You shot me in the dick
(14) Boom, motherfuckers
(15) You two sons of bitches are going to college
(16) Yin is characterized as slow, soft, passive
(17) and is associated with water and femininity
(18) While, Yang, by contrast is fast and solid and
(19) Man, this is BS
(20) I thought we were going to actual college not online college
(21) Listening for coded messages in lectures
(22) What are you talking about
(23) Look around
(24) This is our city
(25) What do we want to be in college for
(26) You're right
(27) Partners for life
(28) At Metro city port the tide comes in at 10:30 A.M
(29) Then it will return to the sea
(30) Metro port One hour
(31) Let's do this
(32) Surprise There's two more arms
(33) Shit! That's the ghost The ghost
(34) Joste nillsen
(35) biggest trafficker of illegal goods in Metro city
(36) He teamed up with a Mexican cartel
(37) and they're running all this shit through the port
(38) What the hell are we supposed to be buying
(39) I don't know
(40) What are you doing Huh
(41) I got a new identity that's gonna be killer
(42) I'll be throwing it to you to make it legit
(43) Okay
(44) I'm gonna need you to improvise. Okay
(45) I don't want to improvise
(46) I'm gonna need you to improvise
(47) I suck at improvising I don't want to do it
(48) I need absolute silence while I fall into character
(49) I need absolute silence while I fall into character
(50) Can you give me a head start on
(51) I need absolute I need absolute silence
(52) Can you please Absolute silence
(53) Are you fucking serious right now
(54) All right I hate people who are late
(55) We're trying to see that product
(56) Shit
(57) Yo, sleepy What's up, homie
(58) You know my cousin, sad boy
(59) I think you got the wrong guy, homes
(60) Oh, that's bullshit, man You sleepy
(61) Everyone say in the barrio
(62) sleepy, he like the Mexican Wolverine and shit
(63) Hey, my partner here he want to see the product
(64) Why ain't he talking
(65) My name is Jeff
(66) That's  jeffe, man
(67) Tell 'em about mousie's  quinceanera, man
(68) Tell 'em about that crazy adventure you guys had
(69) I don't know what you're talking about
(70) Oh, man, when you were telling the story last night
(71) you had so much detail
(72) The detail was so rich! It was rich detail
(73) Go into incredibly descriptive details
(74) of the story, so we all know
(75) Oh, yes
(76) It was Dora and Diego
(77) and swiper
(78) Swiper
(79) Who was that you choked out, man
(80) He had it coming Who was that
(81) Boots
(82) No, man, that wasn't boots Boots isn't a real name
(83) You got to tell them the real story, man
(84) Start over from the top
(85) That's a made-up name
(86) I can't believe the punks I have to deal with these days
(87) It really makes me miss the '90s
(88) when we had professionals around
(89) You want to check out the goods
(90) Check it out
(91) And shut up. Right
(92) Where'd you find this gringo, man
(93) At the fucking Mumford & sons concert and shit
(94) What is it Guns? Drugs
(95) No! No
(96) Dude It's gross
(97) It's inking in my mouth
(98) I'll get it off
(99) Its tentacle is eating me
(100) It's so strong It's really on there, man

(101) It's biting my face
(102) Shit
(103) Black market exotic animals just like we expected to be in there
(104) The accents are gone, huh
(105) Take them out, guys They're cops
(106) What was that I don't know I think we're moving
(107) We're definitely moving
(108) There's fucking birds and shit in here
(109) There's actual shit
(110) What the fuck
(111) There's a fucking dragon in here
(112) Shit
(113) What was that
(114) Dude, that was our car
(115) We shared so much in that car
(116) I'm going to shoot them in the face for that That was our fucking car
(117) What are you doing
(118) Don't  teen wolf on the truck
(119) Don't leave me here alone
(120) Then get up here
(121) I can't do that
(122) Then fucking climb around Come on, climb around
(123) Let's go Come on, buddy You got it
(124) This is so scary
(125) Shoot him
(126) Don't leave me out here
(127) I'm all out You stupid moron
(128) That's it. Come on
(129) Fucking get up here Come on Fuck
(130) All right, you good Yeah
(131) All you got to do is walk now, okay Okay
(132) Shit
(133) What the fuck are you doing Get up here
(134) I can't
(135) All right, fine I guess I'll just drag you
(136) I'm gonna die
(137) You're not gonna die Just get the fuck up here
(138) Pull yourself up here
(139) Use your core
(140) You got it, you got it Come on, come on Yeah
(141) All right Think you can stand on your own now
(142) Yes
(143) I think we lost them
(144) Shit
(145) He's the fucking Terminator
(146) That's fucking dangerous
(147) You are under arrest
(148) Pull the truck over
(149) I said pull the fucking truck over right fucking now
(150) You owe me a car
(151) and it'd better be a fucking Lamborghini you bitch
(152) I did it
(153) You have the right to remain silent
(154) Oh, shit
(155) Holy Moses
(156) Shit
(157) What happened
(158) I think they got away
(159) Is that a hickey
(160) Oh. This was actually an octopus-related incident
(161) I'd opened a crate and the octopus had leapt onto my face
(162) Apparently, they have many, many arms
(163) They have eight tentacles
(164) Yes, and
(165) Look, ladies
(166) nobody gave a shit about the jump street reboot when you first came on
(167) Anyone with half a brain myself included
(168) thought it was destined to fail spectacularly
(169) But you got lucky
(170) So now this department has invested
(171) a lot of money to make sure jump street keeps going
(172) We've doubled their budget
(173) As if spending twice the money guaranteed twice the profit
(174) Like that's going to work
(175) Yeah. Well the commissioner's convinced this debacle happened
(176) because you weren't doing the same undercover student thing
(177) you did the first time
(178) She doesn't get that it's always worse
(179) the second time around
(180) You settle into worn-out roles
(181) One gets possessive the other runs away
(182) You begin a slow painful unraveling
(183) as all the good things that came before
(184) begin to be crushed by the trash compactor of sadness
(185) That doesn't sound like us I mean
(186) I'm getting a divorce
(187) We don't want to do the same thing
(188) We want to burst through our ceiling
(189) And you're gonna find another ceiling
(190) and you got to bust through that one
(191) and you just got to keep hammering ceilings
(192) Okay, okay, okay
(193) What if we actually went into the secret service
(194) and, like, tried to protect the white house
(195) I think I don't think that would work
(196) I'm going to ask you to stop talking
(197) I thought it was a pretty good idea
(198) Do the same thing as last time everyone's happy
(199) I can't believe the Koreans bought their church back
(200) Yeah. Good thing there was an even bigger
(201) abandoned church directly across the street
(202) Yeah. That's convenient Yes, it is convenient
(203) Next year, we'll probably just be right back across the street
(204) Just next door
(205) Let's not get ahead of ourselves
(206) We're not ahead of ourselves
(207) We're right next to each other
(208) This is awesome Like, way more expensive for no reason
(209) Look at dickson's office
(210) Looks like a giant cube of ice
(211) How you bitches like jump street now
(212) Hey
(213) Y'all see this shit
(214) 22 jump street is the lick
(215) And I got a big-ass raise
(216) to babysit you two fuckers again
(217) Designed it myself We got an espresso bar
(218) I'm thinking about a shark tank over there
(219) Ooh, I like sharks
(220) Fuck a 21 jump street and fuck a Korean Jesus
(221) Whoa! Cap, come on Korean Jesus is right there
(222) That's Vietnamese Jesus
(223) See, this a Vietnamese church
(224) You racist sacrilegious sack of shit
(225) Look at that Vietnamese Jesus just dripping swagoo
(226) And we got some new dumb-ass interns
(227) Hey, hey! Look alive Huh
(228) Boys Yo, jenko
(229) Hey, Schmidt
(230) Don't do that
(231) So, they want the same shit so here we go
(232) Same identities
(233) Same assignment
(234) We're going back to high school
(235) Your ass look like you about 50
(236) You're going to MC state
(237) We're going to college for real
(238) Somebody's out there they're cooking up a new drug
(239) It's Adderall mixed with ecstasy mixed with God knows what else
(240) Wipey
(241) No, you dumb motherfucker Whyphy
(242) Stands for work hard? Yes Play hard? Yes
(243) Now, these kids take this shit
(244) and they get laser-focused for about four hours of studying
(245) and then they party like it's goddamn 1999
(246) Who's this
(247) That's Cynthia Watson
(248) She was a student at MC state
(249) She took some whyphy
(250) got locked out of her dorm
(251) ended up falling off the roof
(252) And now she's dead
(253) That's her buying drugs on campus
(254) And that's the dealer
(255) Find him and we find the supplier
(256) Sir, can I just say
(257) it is so refreshing to have a case with a black victim
(258) I mean we care so much more because she's black
(259) I think what he's really trying to say
(260) is that we care equally
(261) It's a tie, really how much we care
(262) Uh... no, we're not If it was a white person I wouldn't even care
(263) One less cracker-ass cracker to worry about
(264) Why every time you speak I want to throw the fuck up
(265) Infiltrate the dealer find the supplier
(266) You all right
(267) Yeah
(268) It's just
(269) I'm the first person in my family to pretend to go to college
(270) Best part is we get to do it together
(271) What's up, college
(272) What's up, bro We're 322
(273) Fuck high school, right
(274) Fuck high school
(275) Oh, so tight
(276) Oh, this is so baller
(277) Beds... oh, shit
(278) Oh, dope That looks like cum
(279) That's cum Okay. All right
(280) Already got cum on the mattress, dawg
(281) Welcome to college Fuck, yeah
(282) Hilarious shirt that signals we drink alcohol
(283) Some bacon machine that my mom got me
(284) I do not understand how it works
(285) It's true
(286) Super high-tech police gear
(287) Carte Blanche with the budget, motherfucker
(288) I'm going to veto that poster
(289) It's a touch childish
(290) Okay. What do lambos have to do with touching children
(291) Lambos are lame
(292) I get one choice I get one thing that I'm not
(293) We have to agree You know what I mean
(294) What up, fellas? We're your across-the-hall neighbors
(295) Oh, hey there's two of you You're twins
(296) What's up, man
(297) We're the yangs, man Kenny Yang. What's up
(298) Keith Yang
(299) What's going on What's going on
(300) Did you say the yangs
(301) Yeah, dad's Chinese, man
(302) Our mom's not Chinese She's black
(303) Oh She's like real black
(304) Like Wesley snipes black Exactly
(305) We're brothers, too
(306) No. He's not kidding He's serious
(307) Oh, really
(308) What Like, one of y'all older
(309) Mmm-hmm
(310) Yeah, 'cause you got crow's feet under your eyes, man
(311) You specifically
(312) We're actually just normal college age
(313) I mean, even if you're a little older that's cool, man
(314) because, you know girls here love older dudes
(315) That's true
(316) Plus, there's mad fuckable girls here
(317) Mad fuckable Especially during spring break
(318) I love spring break But I do have to say
(319) I've fucked a thousand girls by now
(320) and I don't know at the end of the day
(321) you just kind of want something
(322) that's just a little deeper really
(323) Yeah, balls deeper Jinx. Buy me a coke
(324) Oh, snap, we're still saying the same thing This is amazing
(325) Carrots. Pumpernickels Glow sticks. Twins
(326) That's dope, dude That's so sick
(327) That's crazy. We have that brother connection, too
(328) You ready Mmm-hmm. Yeah
(329) Pirates! Baby feet Paper clips! Bananas
(330) Sun! Anger I don't know! Words
(331) Quicksand Shoes
(332) Boom
(333) That's hip-hop, man Awesome
(334) That's great
(335) It's gonna be super fun
(336) All right Same as last time
(337) Dude, if it's like last time
(338) you're gonna have an awesome time and it's gonna suck for me
(339) No. You're gonna have an awesome time, too
(340) because I'm gonna make sure of it
(341) You took a bullet for me
(342) That's right I did, and it sucked but I'd do it again
(343) No way. It's my turn I owe you a life debt
(344) Co-ed bathrooms
(345) What? Oh, shit
(346) I'm not gonna take a shit
(347) the entire time I'm here
(348) I know
(349) Hey How you doing
(350) Hey
(351) What's up Sup
(352) Just exhausted from inventing Facebook
(353) or whatever website people our age use
(354) They still have books
(355) I thought they just put the books inside the computers
(356) Yeah, I guess the kids just use the stacks to hide and have sex
(357) So we'll go to all Cynthia's classes and activities
(358) ask around about the drug
(359) and find out who the dealer is
(360) Yeah, it's just like last time
(361) Exactly like last time
(362) Dude, in human sexuality
(363) do you get to fuck
(364) or do you just get to watch people fuck
(365) Neither
(366) What the fuck am I taking it for, then
(367) Now, obviously we've all heard this statement before
(368) I've got a first impression for you
(369) Oh, y'all like psychology
(370) Tracy Morgan
(371) Nobody
(372) Work hard play hard, am I right
(373) You looking for some whyphy
(374) Yeah, man, that'd be sick
(375) Go to the police station
(376) walk in and ask your captain to see the evidence room
(377) cause you're a fucking narc
(378) I think you're mistaken
(379) You're literally wearing your badge
(380) Did you really just check to see
(381) if you were wearing your badge
(382) This guy's a fucking cop
(383) I didn't look down
(384) Wait, Professor Jacobs doesn't history happen a long time ago
(385) Well, history happens
(386) This class is such a gut
(387) Hey, you guys play football
(388) No, this is actually my laptop
(389) Yeah, I'm taking notes right now
(390) I'm kidding It's a football
(391) Mr. mcquaid
(392) Covalent bonds
(393) What has been the result of the war on drugs
(394) Why would you ask me I'm not a cop
(395) Because this is a college seminar
(396) and that's how college seminars work
(397) Professor gets into a lively conversation with the student
(398) Friction creates fire and that leads to lessons learned
(399) Well, it's definitely harder to get drugs
(400) I can personally tell you that
(401) The average price of cocaine
(402) has dropped 70 in the last 30 years
(403) Then your dealer's probably selling you some pretty stepped-on shit
(404) Mr. mcquaid, college is a wonderful place
(405) This is where you get to decide who you actually are
(406) instead of the person that you're clearly pretending to be right now
(407) which everyone sees through by the way
(408) You got to decide do I just keep doing the same thing
(409) or am I gonna choose a different path
(410) and question my convictions
(411) I don't have any prior convictions
(412) Why are you saying this stuff
(413) That's exactly the answer I wanted Mr. mcquaid
(414) I want you to question what I'm saying
(415) This is the basis of this whole course
(416) and that's the beauty of college
(417) You can say whatever you want
(418) You can be whatever you want
(419) I mean, I have tenure I can really say whatever I want
(420) George Washington was a black lesbian
(421) The Eiffel tower is made of dildos
(422) They can't fire me I'm indestructible
(423) I'm sleeping with two of my students
(424) Her and her I actually am
(425) Now, just like you did before
(426) I want you right now to say whatever you want
(427) Say whatever you want
(428) Fieto
(429) Fieto, not a word but I'm gonna accept it
(430) You can do whatever you want with your life, Mr. mcquaid
(431) The only way you can fail this class
(432) is by not becoming who you truly are
(433) Please respond to my text
(434) Okay we got time for just one more improve game
(435) For this one we need a ton of different suggestions
(436) So, we just need you guys to fill in the blank
(437) in a sentence that we're gonna set up
(438) So it'll go like this Oh, I'm so hungry I wish I had a
(439) Tampon Okay, but we want
(440) We want it to be actual food
(441) so that it, like makes sense with the game
(442) It's more fun that way So, uh, let's try it one more time
(443) Oh, I've got to get home so I can feed my
(444) Boner
(445) You know what Let's just play the game, okay
(446) All right, so what would you
(447) Hey, that girl's in my psych class
(448) Damn, she's hot Go talk to her
(449) You come talk to her with me
(450) Stop being a pussy and go talk to her. Go
(451) All right, all right
(452) Coming to the stage, we got
(453) J. Bohnes, aka
(454) Hey Hi
(455) I think we're in the same psych class
(456) Oh, yeah. Hi
(457) Yeah
(458) Pills! Pills Bills! Pills
(459) Bills! A sign of the times that rhymes
(460) Amanda Bynes
(461) drop that raggedy Andy circus
(462) circle jerkus
(463) You guys are the improve guys, right Yeah
(464) That's cool
(465) You're the guy with the terrible suggestions
(466) Yeah, yeah You're welcome, man Yeah
(467) Thanks, guys Um, lady J is gonna be up next for you
(468) Cynthia, that girl who died
(469) she used to come here all the time, right
(470) Mmm
(471) This piece is called  areolas
(472) Did you know her
(473) Yeah, she lived across the hall from me
(474) Yeah So why do you care so much
(475) I'm... I'm writing a
(476) Greedy man hands
(477) a slam poem in her honor
(478) Early stages, very early stages
(479) Oh, really Yeah, yeah
(480) Wouldn't it be better
(481) just to, like plan the stuff out ahead of time
(482) and then not say it in front of people and embarrass yourself
(483) That's a thing that people do That's stand-up comedy
(484) That's probably what you should do
(485) because that stuff's funny
(486) My brown nipple will produce white milk during lactation
(487) What do you think of this
(488) I actually think it's really powerful
(489) That's cool that you said that
(490) cause I actually thought it was really powerful, too
(491) when the one girl was talking about her nips and shit
(492) Okay, does anybody have anything they want to share
(493) Let's see what you got
(494) Any more poets in the audience
(495) I I mean, do you really do poetry
(496) I do, and I will
(497) I got somebody What
(498) Okay, we got somebody All right, give it up, guys
(499) Yeah Okay
(500) Just go up there All right, okay
(501) Okay No pressure
(502) You'll see it's good Yeah
(503) Um
(504) This is a work in progress
(505) So, uh
(506) Slam poetry
(507) Yelling
(508) Angry
(509) Waving my hands a lot
(510) Specific point of view on things
(511) Cynthia
(512) Cynthia
(513) Jesus died for our sin-thee-uhs
(514) Jesus cried
(515) runaway bride
(516) Julia Roberts
(517) Julia rob
(518) hurts
(519) Cynthia
(520) Cynthia
(521) you're dead you are dead
(522) You're dead
(523) that's for Cynthia, who's dead
(524) Whoo
(525) I don't have a single lead
(526) I do. I hear you can get whyphy on campus anywhere 24/7
(527) Do you think they mean whyphy the drug
(528) or WI-Fi like the Internet
(529) What
(530) Fuck you, brain
(531) How did we find the dealers so easy the first time
(532) Well, his number was literally on a sticker
(533) Well, let's go find this guy's sticker
(534) I don't think this guy does stickers
(535) Well, we need help We need to consult an expert
(536) Yo, dude, you shot him in the dick, dude
(537) I got him in the dick Yep
(538) Shot him in the dick
(539) If it isn't Turner and hooch in the flesh
(540) Holy shit, you are looking fit
(541) Hey, you should get some tips from this guy
(542) He's looking good Look at those pectoral muscles
(543) That's the kind of definition I want out of you, man
(544) What's up, Eric Hey
(545) Mr. Walters we should, um
(546) Or I should apologize for, uh
(547) For shooting my penis off
(548) Yeah Yeah
(549) Don't sweat it, brother I'm liberated. Totally
(550) You know they gave me a vagina
(551) It's awesome You guys want to see it
(552) No, no, no, no No, no, no
(553) That's fine All right Eric's seen it
(554) Eric's been all up in that shit Isn't that right, Eric
(555) You guys got to get me the fuck out of here
(556) Hey, guess what
(557) I'm Eric's bitch
(558) No, you're not
(559) Yes! I am
(560) I'm your bitch
(561) Oh, my God I'm so sorry, honey
(562) I didn't mean that You know that, right
(563) I am such a bitch when aunt Flo shows up
(564) It bleeds so much, it's crazy
(565) It's like the elevator doors opening in  the shining
(566) Your vagina doesn't fucking work, man
(567) Worked for you last night
(568) You are so clearly forcing Eric into this relationship
(569) Eric, am I forcing you into anything
(570) Yes See
(571) Look, they sent us in undercover at a college
(572) to find the dealer of this new synthetic
(573) and no one will tell us anything
(574) That's 'cause you guys look like fucking narcs, all right
(575) College kids aren't dumb like Eric
(576) I was supposed to go to Berkeley
(577) Well they gave us a picture so we do have that
(578) Well, that's your lead motherfucker
(579) That's what you start with
(580) I know but we can't see his face so we don't know who it is
(581) We don't know who it is
(582) I'm Schmidt. My pants are filled with doody
(583) That's you
(584) That doesn't sound anything like me
(585) You sort of sound like that
(586) That doesn't sound anything like me
(587) That doesn't sound anything like me
(588) It's not not you
(589) Eric! Close your eyes and tell me who's talking right now
(590) That's Schmidt being a little bitch
(591) That's just not a good impression
(592) Whoa
(593) Nice job, super sleuths
(594) Did you even bother to look at the fucking picture
(595) Yeah Huh
(596) There's a reflection right here
(597) Your fucking guy's got a tattoo
(598) Find the tattoo find the dealer
(599) Fuck, man, I don't know I do a lot of stupid tattoos to drunk kids
(600) Do you remember that stupid tattoo
(601) A bazooka
(602) Think I might have did it on a football player
(603) Guy with a red Mohawk I don't know
(604) They all start to look the same to me
(605) I think I know exactly who he's talking about
(606) Fuck you
(607) Fuck you you little walk-on fuck
(608) I can't, like, move around in these things
(609) God I love walk-on day
(610) Fuck, yeah
(611) That's a weird time to be q-tipping
(612) You're all fucking pussies
(613) Dude, you don't have to do this What
(614) I just don't want you to get hurt I'm not gonna get
(615) Whoops
(616) Shit. Whoa
(617) Dude, I am so sorry
(618) It's all right, man Don't worry about it, man
(619) Are you sure All right Yeah. Ow
(620) Shit I got it
(621) Okay, I got it, I got it
(622) Ow That's fine
(623) I'll get it No, no, let me get it let me get it
(624) No, I got it Let me just get it No, let me get it
(625) I got it, I got it Let's just
(626) Dude, I'm sorry I got my q-tip in your meat, bro
(627) No, man, I got my I got my meat in your q-tip
(628) It's like a whole new type of sandwich
(629) Like, a meat q-tip
(630) Like a meat-qute
(631) That's funny
(632) Hey, you guys want some of this sandwich
(633) It's a meat-qute sandwich
(634) Me and this guy are having a meat-qute
(635) You're hilarious, dude What's your name
(636) Brad. Wait Brad
(637) Uh, yeah, yeah, it's Brad
(638) I'm Zook Nice to meet you Zook
(639) Nice to meet you, too, man
(640) Blue 20
(641) Blue 20
(642) Set, hut
(643) You love walk-on day now
(644) Your arm all right You want to take that sleeve off
(645) No, I'm good
(646) Dude, holy shit, bro Great fucking catch, dude
(647) If you see that safety line up that deep though, hit me quicker
(648) Oh, yeah, I didn't know you had wheels like that, bro
(649) It's funny, 'cause he's my brother. So
(650) Um
(651) Hey, uh, you know, we have this rush party at zeta
(652) But I thought, you know you could come by and meet the guys
(653) It'd be really fun, I think
(654) Great Yeah, maybe we will
(655) Are you guys, like, together
(656) Yeah Yeah, this is my bro
(657) That's Funny, dude. You're funny
(658) Oh
(659) Uh, really Wow. Um, okay
(660) Yeah, man, sure You, too, you can come, too
(661) We'll see what we can do
(662) Also, I said a bunch of stuff earlier
(663) that you didn't acknowledge
(664) Great catch Cool, yeah
(665) See you then So you won't address that
(666) What the fuck's up with that guy
(667) All we have to do now is rush the frat long enough
(668) to confirm that rooster has that bazooka tattoo
(669) Look, man, do you think it's cool if you come
(670) Cause, I mean, he kind of really just asked me
(671) I just don't want to start off
(672) on the wrong foot with this guy
(673) Dude, you're tripping We do everything together
(674) You should lose the puka shells, though
(675) Things are different since you didn't go to college
(676) Yo, Brad What's up, dude
(677) Same puka, dude
(678) You got the same Puka bros
(679) Holy shit
(680) Look at him it's, like, all the same
(681) Dude, you wear pants, too
(682) What? Bros, man Dude
(683) I knew we were gonna be connected, just like that
(684) Yeah, why don't you guys just tie your dicks together
(685) and get married, right, rooster
(686) Rooster. What's up, bro
(687) You look good, man
(688) What's up, rooster
(689) How you doing, man Digging the puka
(690) Thanks, dude. I can't believe it's the same
(691) How you doing, rooster
(692) Rooster is getting some pop
(693) Why don't you go check him out
(694) You in the zone, bro In the fucking zone dude
(695) Hey. What's up
(696) What's up? I'm rooster
(697) Oh, yeah, no
(698) We've met before
(699) Oh, really? I don't remember that at all
(700) You must just have a really plain face
(701) Yeah. They call me ol' plain face
(702) They call you that
(703) So, do you have any body art or, like, any ink I could see
(704) That's a pretty random question
(705) Hey, anyway, it was so nice chatting with you, man
(706) Nice to meet you, man
(707) Yo, what the fuck, bro
(708) Yo, what the fuck are you doing, dude
(709) You serious right now You
(710) You're being weird
(711) You've been weird
(712) It was just like what am I hearing
(713) What am I hearing right now
(714) And the psychic told you that
(715) Yo That is so crazy, dude
(716) Hey, dude, you want to go see the roof
(717) Fuck yeah, I want to see the roof, dude
(718) Come on, let's go let's go. Come on
(719) Come on to the roof come on to the roof Let's go
(720) Come on, you can do it Come on, come on, come on
(721) I miss climbing so much Come on, let's go. Come on
(722) All right, uh
(723) One more time
(724) I'm just gonna go home
(725) I don't know parkour, so
(726) All right
(727) Hey, Maya Angelou
(728) Poetry, okay I got it
(729) Make fun of the poetry major
(730) So, I guess you have no interest
(731) in having a real job in the future
(732) Absolutely not No, right
(733) What about you
(734) Um, I'm an art major
(735) Okay. So you definitely cannot talk any shit cause
(736) No, I can't. I cannot
(737) you're never gonna make any money
(738) I'm never gonna make any money
(739) so don't tell my parents, but
(740) When I talk to your parents tonight
(741) I will not tell them about your major
(742) Okay, thank you You're welcome
(743) All right, art major
(744) What do you think about that
(745) Um, I would say that
(746) it's these two beings
(747) leaning up against each other in perfect balance
(748) If one were to fall they would just lose each other
(749) So it's just about support
(750) You can't admit that it looks exactly like testicles
(751) That's exactly what it looks like
(752) So, is there someone who supports you
(753) No, I'm just one of those people
(754) that really likes to spend time with myself
(755) Tell me about it
(756) I love to be alone I am, like the best at it
(757) I just love when you're sitting there in a room
(758) and you're just there with your thoughts
(759) and you're like oh, my gosh, I'm alone
(760) Would anyone ever love me? Or whatever
(761) And, like, do I know anyone who would care
(762) if I just ever came out of this room or not
(763) Or whatever and, like
(764) I don't know It's just peaceful I just like it
(765) Yeah
(766) Well, if you don't want to be alone tonight
(767) we are gonna go hang out at the art building
(768) if you want to come
(769) Okay, okay
(770) Okay. Okay
(771) I expected tonight would go in a way that you wouldn't expect
(772) but what I didn't expect was tonight would go
(773) in the exact way that you would expect
(774) You know what I mean Totally
(775) So you guys hang out here a lot
(776) Yeah. I mean we're not into the whole frat party kind of stuff
(777) We like to sit around just drink some good wine
(778) and talk about some important stuff
(779) Banging bitches and getting wasted all fucking day
(780) Those are, like, two of my favorite things to do
(781) You are, like a slightly less attractive version of
(782) Picasso Picasso
(783) Right? I've been told that before
(784) You read my mind
(785) What
(786) Oh, that's Cynthia Watson's room
(787) Oh
(788) It's only 2:00 I thought it was late Do you want to come in
(789) It's only 2:00 I usually go to dinner at like, 2:00 A.M., so
(790) Sure, yeah, why not
(791) I'm gonna do it I just got to get it at the right angle
(792) Dude, stop Stupid fucking goalpost
(793) It's impossible You can't fucking do it
(794) The fans used to rush the field
(795) after every win and tear down the goalposts
(796) and coach hated it And so he cemented them in
(797) They storm the field and still do it
(798) but they just bounce around
(799) Fuck this goalpost, bro
(800) You guys might want to hold on
(801) cause this shit is coming down
(802) Yo, what is that The tattoo, what's that right there
(803) Oh. Oh, this Mmm-hmm
(804) It's my old high school team The plainview red herrings
(805) Look at it swim
(806) Shit What
(807) Shit, that's a really outside-of-the-box
(808) high school mascot
(809) Hold on, guys
(810) Hey, why don't you come to practice today
(811) I mean you're obviously good enough to play on the team
(812) Look, I'm not supposed to be here to play football
(813) What
(814) I'm just here to do my assignments
(815) and get out, that's it
(816) I mean, yeah, school's important or whatever
(817) but when I was throwing you those passes
(818) it was like I knew where you were gonna be before you went there
(819) You know, I had this like, vision of me
(820) throwing bullet tds to you, dude
(821) and then all these fans just started going, like
(822) Zook! Mcquaid Zook! Mcquaid
(823) And they were chanting and chanting
(824) and then the goalposts came down
(825) Dude
(826) I have had that exact vision like, my entire life
(827) Dude Dude
(828) Bro Bro
(829) Dude Bro
(830) Dude
(831) Like, well, we fucking can, bro
(832) All you gotta do is join the team
(833) Yeah. Why not
(834) Yes
(835) Fuck yeah, dude Fuck yeah, dude
(836) What's that
(837) My tattoo
(838) Yeah, fuck, look
(839) Look, it's me, Zook
(840) Got a fucking bazooka for an arm Know what I mean
(841) Dude, I'm so fucking pumped
(842) you're gonna be on this fucking team, bro
(843) Yep
(844) What's up with it
(845) How you doing
(846) Hi. Good
(847) How was the, um
(848) How was the sex for you
(849) It was fun for me It was a good time
(850) Yeah, right
(851) I enjoyed it
(852) Yeah
(853) This is why I don't drink
(854) Oh
(855) Hey. How you doing
(856) I'm fine
(857) I mean, I'm not listening to you guys fornicate all night long
(858) Thrusting and pumping
(859) Okay
(860) I thought your hip popped out at one point
(861) I'm just saying, it's like, all fun and games
(862) and then you wake up in bed next to a 40-year-old freshman
(863) I'm 19, so
(864) Nineteen minutes late to pinochle
(865) where you're meeting your old friends in the park
(866) Yeah, that's what I meant
(867) Oh, my gosh, Maya, look at him
(868) He's still so sharp That's so inspiring
(869) Tell us about the war any one of them
(870) You're, like the loudest climaxer I've ever heard
(871) It was, like the sound of, like a 30-year-old sprinkler
(872) finally going off for the first time
(873) Okay, well, so lovely talking with you
(874) You're a lovely person Hmm
(875) Nice to meet you
(876) Oh, my God
(877) She seems nice
(878) She's horrible
(879) God
(880) She was Cynthia's roommate
(881) and I felt bad for her so I told her I would room with her
(882) So
(883) So you probably have a bunch of stuff
(884) that you have to do today
(885) Right No
(886) Oh. Okay
(887) Look, I just want you to know
(888) I'm not, like a hit it and quit it type of fella
(889) I'm, like, a hit it
(890) continue to hit it both physically and emotionally kind of guy, so
(891) Hey, Doug, you're not gonna be weird about this, are you
(892) No
(893) I mean, you're cool with just hooking up
(894) Yeah. I mean, no I mean, I'm glad you said something
(895) Cause I don't even know if I like you when I'm sober
(896) No, I know, and it's like
(897) that doesn't even hurt like, at all
(898) Okay, so, um
(899) I'm gonna I'm gonna split I'll text you later
(900) Great, that was great sex You're good at it
(901) And I'll text you three to five minutes or something
(902) All right
(903) What the fuck is this
(904) This is bullshit
(905) Are you two fucking around at school again
(906) Hey, we got to pay for this shit
(907) We need results No, no, no
(908) Look, we are looking aggressively
(909) for this very specific tattoo
(910) Or the tattoo could just be a dead end
(911) What the fuck It's the same case
(912) Do the same thing
(913) Well, it's not exactly the same case, 'cause
(914) one of us got laid last night
(915) Schmidt
(916) Shh
(917) Don't wake up my dick
(918) Flew in on the red-eye hasn't gotten a wink of sleep
(919) Damn
(920) We're talking missionary
(921) We're talking missionary
(922) We're talking when I'm on top and she's on her back
(923) She's smart, she's an art major
(924) She can't be that smart She's a fucking art major
(925) Come on
(926) I will give you some daps, Schmidt
(927) Give me some motherfucking daps, man
(928) Come on, give me some
(929) Give me some Come on
(930) My human sexuality class is blowing my mind
(931) Did you know I used gay slurs in high school
(932) Yes, directed at me
(933) Dude, I am so sorry for being a homophone
(934) Are we gonna talk about how weird you were today with Dickson
(935) Look, I don't think the tattoo means what you think it means
(936) I mean, for all we know a lot of people could have that tattoo
(937) This tattoo This absurdly specific tattoo
(938) Name one other person who has this
(939) For starters, Zook has it
(940) Zook has the tattoo
(941) What the fuck We've been looking for this tattoo for days
(942) Do you understand this means Zook is the dealer
(943) I really want you guys to hang out
(944) We have hung out He's completely ignored me
(945) I'm sorry but we're gonna have to investigate your new bff
(946) We're gonna put cameras everywhere
(947) and we're gonna monitor the fuck out of what he's doing
(948) We can't just walk into zeta house
(949) and just put up a bunch of fucking cameras, okay
(950) There's dudes there everywhere
(951) All right, your plan is stupid. I'm sorry
(952) My plan is stupid That's interesting What... okay
(953) I'm, like, basically done
(954) fucking watching your shit all the fucking time
(955) Okay, yeah, exactly I'm the fucking stupid one. Yeah
(956) Oh, that's really fucking stupid
(957) Man, it must be hard being so different
(958) We're exactly the same It makes everything so much easier
(959) Guys, can you just give us some space
(960) We're really trying to figure something out
(961) and we need to focus, okay
(962) You're not gonna have trouble focusing, man
(963) Yeah, man those krispie treats got mad whyphy in them
(964) We made a batch for the whole dorm, man
(965) I've eaten six of these
(966) Then you're gonna be real focused Be real focused
(967) In about four hours you're gonna be tripping
(968) You're fine You're gonna be all right, man
(969) Who sold you whyphy
(970) Nobody sold it to us
(971) Yeah, man, Cynthia gave us a butt load
(972) and in exchange we wrote her logic paper for her
(973) All right All right, man we'll see you guys later
(974) Enjoy the food
(975) Maybe this is a good thing
(976) Let's use that focus to figure out a way to get into zook's house
(977) You feel anything No. Do you feel anything
(978) No, but I have a super high tolerance for
(979) I'm so focused
(980) I'm so focused, too
(981) You don't have to be on top of me
(982) Yes, I do
(983) Why Camouflage
(984) Go
(985) Let's go
(986) No fucking way
(987) Okay, so no Dane? All right
(988) Out, all right
(989) Bull's-eye Bingo
(990) That helmet looks kind of lame
(991) You know what's not lame
(992) Safety
(993) What are you doing
(994) I'm cutting glass
(995) It's a laser pointer
(996) It can't cut glass What
(997) That's no fun at all
(998) I'm so focused Let's do this
(999) I'm so focused Let's do this
(1000) Give me another I don't have any more cameras
(1001) You don't need to drill so many holes Yeah, okay
(1002) Yeah, that one's perfect Okay, you can do that one
(1003) I don't have any more cameras I've said it five times
(1004) All right. Okay That's the last of 'em
(1005) Time to prove that zook's the dealer
(1006) Or not the dealer
(1007) Next up is Brad mcquaid
(1008) Right? Yes
(1009) Yes
(1010) Obviously, right I mean, the guy's
(1011) The guy's all-time You guys, let's be honest
(1012) I mean, like, he was opening up beer cans with his eyeballs
(1013) That's so sweet of them
(1014) So Brad... Brad's in
(1015) Uh, Doug mcquaid No
(1016) He's a bag of dicks
(1017) He's Brad's brother
(1018) He follows him around everywhere
(1019) so I doubt we get Brad without Doug
(1020) That's not true I have a serious girlfriend
(1021) I got a bad feeling about this guy, dude Why? Why
(1022) I was talking to him for a second
(1023) He's got a big mouth, okay
(1024) I feel like he could fuck this whole thing up for us
(1025) See, you're fucking this up You talk way too much
(1026) That guy is harmless, dude Look at him, he's nice
(1027) He looks like a 30-year-old eighth grader
(1028) He's gonna be fine
(1029) I'm just saying, the kid sucks
(1030) Okay, and Brad Brad could be like, our guy
(1031) He could, like be a part of our thing
(1032) Our thing Yeah
(1033) Shh. I'm trying to hear them be nice about me
(1034) This is fucking bullshit. Shit
(1035) Shit
(1036) Is somebody up there
(1037) Shit We got to get out of here
(1038) Did you lock the door
(1039) I did, man I checked twice
(1040) Go, go
(1041) I'm so focused, dude
(1042) Shit
(1043) No, you're just paranoid because we're about to trip balls
(1044) No, I'm paranoid because it could be dangerous
(1045) No, we're fine Look, we made it
(1046) We made it It's all good
(1047) Oh, shit
(1048) Help! Help
(1049) What's happening
(1050) What the fuck
(1051) I can't breathe
(1052) They made us
(1053) They're gonna kill us
(1054) Jenko
(1055) Where are you going
(1056) Oh, fuck I'm having a bad trip We're having a bad trip
(1057) I think we are tripping, but
(1058) God, isn't this great
(1059) My side's so much scarier than yours
(1060) Oh, shit, your trip sucks
(1061) You should come over here It's way better
(1062) Okay
(1063) It's some kind of weird split screen
(1064) Hello, football
(1065) Jenko! Jenko
(1066) I finally got my lambo
(1067) Hey, Schmidt, look
(1068) Look! Look
(1069) My legs are tired
(1070) Help! No more music
(1071) You'll always be alone
(1072) Hey, jenko What
(1073) Where are you going
(1074) I'm just gonna go up for a little while, okay
(1075) Stay, stay here
(1076) No, I don't want to stay here. I'm flying This is amazing
(1077) No. God. Don't go
(1078) Oh, my God
(1079) No
(1080) Stay here No, no, stop it
(1081) You're dragging me down Why would you drag me down
(1082) Please stay I'm flying
(1083) Stay
(1084) Wake up Get out of the car Shit
(1085) Get out of the car Get on the ground
(1086) On your fucking knees
(1087) Get on your knees
(1088) You already know don't you What
(1089) Do you have anything to say
(1090) Please don't kill us
(1091) If you don't have anything to fucking say
(1092) open your fucking mouth
(1093) What the fuck
(1094) Is that vodka
(1095) Welcome to zeta, pledges
(1096) Yeah, buddy
(1097) Pledges, tonight we separate the weak from the strong
(1098) If you don't make it through tonight
(1099) you're dead to all of us
(1100) Rooster
(1101) light the torch
(1102) For zeta
(1103) Drink, motherfucker Drink, motherfucker
(1104) Drink, motherfucker Drink, motherfucker
(1105) Look whatever happens tonight you have to keep up, okay
(1106) I'm gonna throw up
(1107) I know. Shut up. Go
(1108) Ready? Go
(1109) Here we go, here we go
(1110) One, two, three, four, five
(1111) I can't do it anymore I can't do it anymore
(1112) Twenty's the record
(1113) Thirty-three, 34
(1114) 67
(1115) You can do this you can do this
(1116) I can't This is disgusting
(1117) No, you got to I can't do this anymore
(1118) And now, for my favorite event
(1119) Fuck this I'm not doing this
(1120) I'm not doing it What are... no
(1121) I'm not doing this okay? All right
(1122) Hey
(1123) Schmidt What the fuck, man
(1124) What is your problem You said you wanted to stick together
(1125) This is what we have to do to win their trust
(1126) This is supposed to be fun It's just drinking and bonding games
(1127) It's fun
(1128) It's fun for you It's not fun for me
(1129) I don't know Maybe we should just
(1130) Maybe we should just investigate different people
(1131) Did you really just say that
(1132) Did you really just say that you want to investigate other people
(1133) That's what you want
(1134) I don't know, maybe
(1135) Maybe we should just We should just branch out
(1136) Okay, just sow our oats a little
(1137) Sow our cop oats
(1138) Look, I have an in with Zook
(1139) We have a thing and it's good, and
(1140) I don't know maybe I should just stay closer to him
(1141) And you should do your thing
(1142) with your connections and channels
(1143) with Cynthia's roommate
(1144) You should see if she knows who sold her drugs
(1145) I just I just don't
(1146) I don't like the idea of us doing stuff separately
(1147) No, look, we can still investigate
(1148) together
(1149) It's just, you know now it'll be an open thing
(1150) You want an open investigation
(1151) I don't know if that's what I want
(1152) All right? I just think it's healthy right now for us to try it
(1153) Okay
(1154) Yeah Sure
(1155) Okay, so I guess I'll just catch you later, then
(1156) You okay
(1157) No, you can't hug me right now
(1158) Do you need money for a cab or anything
(1159) No, I don't need money for a cab
(1160) Okay
(1161) I don't know where the fuck I am right now
(1162) Hey, Lauren
(1163) I just want to get in bed and watch  friends all day
(1164) Let's hear it for your metropolitan city state statesmen
(1165) And the statesmen take the field
(1166) for the opening game against the university of college generals
(1167) Ready
(1168) And a surprise start today
(1169) for walk-on freshman Brad mcquaid
(1170) Looks pretty old to be a freshman
(1171) It's the hormones in the milk, Bob
(1172) Ready? Set, hut
(1173) Haythe drops back
(1174) And connects with mcquaid
(1175) Who beats safety will glock like an egg white in my famous meringue recipe
(1176) Holy shit, he's good
(1177) None of you tell mcquaid that he's good, all right
(1178) If you do, he'll leave this shitty program
(1179) And as the clock ticks down, we've got time for one last play
(1180) Another perfect hookup between haythe and mcquaid
(1181) Even their end zone celebration is in perfect sync
(1182) It's like these two share a single brain, Bob
(1183) That's right, Jim They both have one half a brain
(1184) And the crowd rushes the field
(1185) to try and knock down a goalpost
(1186) It's not coming down
(1187) Good luck, guys
(1188) Looks like mc state's got a new power couple
(1189) Zook and mcquaid
(1190) I got to get around you, man
(1191) I can't jump up I got a broken ankle
(1192) Yeah
(1193) Fuck yes
(1194) Yeah One more
(1195) Shit
(1196) Who is that
(1197) Nothing All right, ready
(1198) Come on
(1199) Focus
(1200) Come on Do it
(1201) Fuck you, Arnold Schwarzenegger
(1202) I'm so jammed Fuck you
(1203) There's a sock on the door Don't come in
(1204) Fuck, yeah
(1205) I'm having sex with a human woman
(1206) My God! Fuck
(1207) Hey Look at you
(1208) What are you guys doing here
(1209) What? Are you kidding It's parents weekend
(1210) Fuck
(1211) Wonderful You're dating someone
(1212) Thanks, mom. Listen we're undercover, okay
(1213) Thank you No problem
(1214) Doug
(1215) Maya
(1216) Hey Hi
(1217) These are my parents
(1218) So this is the girl
(1219) Hi. I'm Annie. I'm your new mother-in-law
(1220) Nice to meet you Worst thing to say
(1221) Hi Hey. David
(1222) My dad Nice to meet you
(1223) Well, my parents are here, too
(1224) Maya, hurry up
(1225) Your mama done found a table she want
(1226) How do you know this person
(1227) Dad, this is Doug a guy that I'm dating
(1228) The fuck I
(1229) How's your classes going, Doug
(1230) You... we were just in the neighborhood, and
(1231) I have an idea Why don't we all sit together
(1232) Would that be fun
(1233) Yes, thank you
(1234) So
(1235) Do you like weather
(1236) You two know each other
(1237) No
(1238) This is crazy, all these, uh
(1239) students and parents
(1240) Potential witnesses
(1241) How did you two meet
(1242) Oh, I love meet-cute stories
(1243) We met at a poetry slam
(1244) and then he stalked me back to my dorm room
(1245) Stalked her Oh, that's so beautiful
(1246) Then what happened
(1247) And then we hung out and we watched a movie
(1248) Actually we watched it a couple times
(1249) This is bullshit
(1250) This fucking... waiter
(1251) What can a black man do to get some water around here
(1252) Give the fucking guy some water
(1253) He's black He's been through a lot
(1254) For the sake of your daughter please keep it together
(1255) I'm gonna need a motherfucking crepe before I go crazy
(1256) I'll be right back
(1257) So, where are you from originally
(1258) I'm straight outta Compton
(1259) but my husband's from northridge
(1260) Come on, man, hook me up
(1261) What the fuck y'all doing Y'all rationing around here
(1262) Come on, hook me up Two little fucking string beans
(1263) Give me the goddamn string beans
(1264) I want some fucking deviled eggs
(1265) I like fruit Don't you like fruit
(1266) I like fruit
(1267) But this pork shit Got to go
(1268) He's really taking it out on the omelet bar
(1269) Shit was nasty
(1270) He's under a lot of pressure at work
(1271) What's up, playa Want to go to the movies
(1272) I'll break your motherfucking legs Break your legs
(1273) What
(1274) How you doing, Mr. nice plant Get your fucking ass in there
(1275) Hey, you want another beer I'm gonna get another beer
(1276) Yeah, yeah, I'll do another
(1277) Hey, look, man
(1278) you know you can always tell me something
(1279) if you want to get it off your chest
(1280) You know I'm always here for you, right
(1281) What are you trying to say
(1282) No, nothing
(1283) All right, with everything that happened
(1284) with Cynthia and whyphy
(1285) I just don't want you to screw up
(1286) You don't think I know what I'm doing
(1287) What I know exactly what I'm doing here
(1288) I'm gonna tell you something, all right
(1289) Can I trust you Yeah, of course
(1290) I have a friend who knows a guy at umc
(1291) He's a scout. It's d-I
(1292) Their qb, he's not playing well
(1293) They're not happy with the situation
(1294) They want me to make a tape
(1295) And I want you to be on it with me
(1296) Nothing else
(1297) They had five guys in the draft last year
(1298) I mean, Brad this could be our shot
(1299) We're like the dynamic duo, bro
(1300) We're like Batman and Robin
(1301) But we're both Batman
(1302) What do you want to be like, a stockbroker
(1303) Or a cop
(1304) Dude, your ceiling is, like
(1305) so high
(1306) You can just bust right
(1307) Just break right through it Right through it
(1308) Right through it Right through it
(1309) You really think I could make it at umc
(1310) Dude, you could make it into the hall of fame
(1311) No, dude, come on, that's you
(1312) You're gonna be in like, the anals of football history
(1313) Dude, you could make it into the anals of football history, too
(1314) We're gonna have to tear those anals up
(1315) All right We're gonna fucking tear it up
(1316) I mean, it's just a tape, right
(1317) I fucking hate my dad so much
(1318) Do you have any idea
(1319) what it's like to have a guy like that
(1320) telling you what to do all the time
(1321) I can only imagine
(1322) I just don't understand what his problem is with you specifically
(1323) I don't... Jesus That makes no sense to me
(1324) I mean, you are a perfectly good guy
(1325) You're very honest and nice
(1326) Why does my dad have your phone number
(1327) I don't know Maybe the school directory or something
(1328) Let's do something
(1329) Let's do something that would distract us
(1330) Okay
(1331) So we don't have to think about him anymore
(1332) Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm
(1333) All right. Um
(1334) Maya
(1335) Is it okay if we just talk
(1336) Okay
(1337) Let's talk
(1338) No way Yeah
(1339) I was Peter Pan but then I was like, late
(1340) You're really close with your brother, then
(1341) It seems like Yeah
(1342) Yeah, you know
(1343) You're a fucking genius, dude
(1344) Are you sure it's not too much, though No
(1345) Yeah Fuck, yeah
(1346) All right? All right Yeah. Yeah
(1347) All night, bro Come on. All night Yeah, I know
(1348) It's gonna be so worth it, dude
(1349) It's gonna be fucking worth it I promise, all right
(1350) Dude, you know what this needs
(1351) Another star wipe
(1352) Jinx. Buy me a beer
(1353) Nice twist
(1354) On what
(1355) I can't believe we've been talking all night
(1356) Oh, my God, it's 8:00 I have class, actually
(1357) Okay I
(1358) Yeah, you can help yourself to whatever you need, and
(1359) All right
(1360) Yeah, I'm so sorry, this
(1361) I'll see you
(1362) I'll see you later
(1363) Okay Best night ever
(1364) Okay. Bye
(1365) Bye
(1366) How long have you been there
(1367) Like, the longest amount of time you could think of right now
(1368) This stuff wasn't meant for you
(1369) It was meant to be private
(1370) So, am I supposed to just sit here and not act like
(1371) I hear every one of your problems
(1372) You got 99 problems but being young isn't one
(1373) You're just jealous because Maya and I have a real connection
(1374) I'm pretty close with my grandpa, too
(1375) You're more messed up than Cynthia was
(1376) and she went to the school shrink three times a week
(1377) Why I don't know
(1378) But he gave her a ton of pills and shit
(1379) Maybe he could give you something for your weird old face
(1380) Okay
(1381) Hey You're late
(1382) No, actually I was busy with the investigation
(1383) This is Cynthia's therapist's office This is our investigation
(1384) All right
(1385) Watch the door
(1386) Oh, is that all I'm good for Just watching a fucking door
(1387) Got it
(1388) Patient exhibits drug-induced paranoia
(1389) Believes her life is in danger
(1390) Uh, door, door
(1391) Hey
(1392) I wasn't told that I had a 9:00 A.M. session
(1393) Yeah, no we're your 9:00 A.M that's us
(1394) And we're cured
(1395) Thank you very much You're an amazing doctor
(1396) Please. You think you're the first partners
(1397) only to try to run when you're first faced with talking with me
(1398) How the fuck did you know we were partners
(1399) He doesn't know we're partners
(1400) I suspect you're partners
(1401) A relationship is something that requires constant work
(1402) Which is what I thought we learned in high school
(1403) So you are high school sweethearts
(1404) I picked up on that early
(1405) Please, continue the dialogue
(1406) Doc
(1407) I just feel like sometimes
(1408) he's not even trying anymore
(1409) Like this isn't even worth saving
(1410) Oh, okay Well, sometimes I feel like
(1411) that we should be more like the yangs
(1412) Or maybe I should be more like your beautiful zook
(1413) Oh, go fuck yourself You go fuck yourself
(1414) Okay You're so selfish
(1415) All right That's a lot of fucking Oh, my God
(1416) Sometimes I like to have the participants make physical contact
(1417) Why don't you hold hands
(1418) Okay I'm not doing that
(1419) Hmm Do you see
(1420) Reach out your hand
(1421) I'm
(1422) He's literally reaching out for you
(1423) He won't hold my hand
(1424) I'm not doing it
(1425) I kind of need you to do it
(1426) He won't hold my hand Oh, you
(1427) You got to interlock it, though
(1428) If you don't interlock it it's not hand-holding
(1429) Fine
(1430) We might as well just be friends
(1431) and not partners
(1432) Nice, right
(1433) Okay, you see this This is strong
(1434) What I want to be able to have is this
(1435) Is this
(1436) I want to be able to have that that same thing, in, like
(1437) without actually having to do it
(1438) Are you embarrassed of your partner
(1439) No, not at all. Okay
(1440) And why the fuck are you guys ganging up on me
(1441) Gang up on him Okay, seriously
(1442) Okay, okay He's clingy
(1443) He literally is terrified of being by himself
(1444) Look, I know zook's your buddy
(1445) and you don't want him to be guilty
(1446) but he's our guy
(1447) No, he's actually not our guy I would know
(1448) Now, you know we sometimes cling to things
(1449) because they're familiar and comfortable
(1450) I teach about a principle called embedding
(1451) Look at the facts Matter of fact, I
(1452) Zook has the tattoo He knew Cynthia
(1453) I know the first time he met you
(1454) you dropped a fucking sandwich on his foot
(1455) and he smiled at you
(1456) but you are completely blind to the fact
(1457) What'd you say embedding was Embedding
(1458) Oh, embedding is our tendency to latch on to
(1459) the first bit of information that we're offered
(1460) and overlooking or even ignoring contradictory information
(1461) It's a fascinating principle
(1462) Shut up. I'm thinking
(1463) You think it's possible that
(1464) we embedded
(1465) What, like when we were drunk or something
(1466) We embedded each other Okay. I'm gonna recommend
(1467) Okay, you can leave the room
(1468) Just get the fuck out
(1469) Get the fuck out You heard him
(1470) This took a turn
(1471) One, two
(1472) Okay. Yep Good session
(1473) The first time we saw the photo
(1474) of Cynthia buying whyphy
(1475) dickson said this guy's the dealer
(1476) Everything we've done and thought has been based on that fact
(1477) but what if dickson was wrong
(1478) And we've ignored all the other clues
(1479) What if Cynthia wasn't the buyer
(1480) What if Cynthia was the dealer
(1481) Captain, we have something really, really important to tell you about
(1482) Captain
(1483) Are you wearing kevlar
(1484) Now, gentlemen we're not gonna sit here and pretend
(1485) there's not a big-ass elephant in the room
(1486) What the fuck is going on
(1487) This is what the fuck is going on
(1488) Oh, shit! Oh, shit
(1489) Oh, shit! No
(1490) That is not happening right now! No
(1491) Hey, y'all, he's fucking the captain's daughter! Yo
(1492) Every time he say that shit
(1493) Oh, my fuck
(1494) that's another foot in your ass
(1495) Schmidt, you clearly Yo, this is the best thing ever
(1496) Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter
(1497) Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter
(1498) Schmidt fucked the captain's daughter
(1499) Shit! Fuck
(1500) You fucked captain dickson's daughter
(1501) Captain, what the
(1502) You bragged to him to his face
(1503) To his actual face Captain
(1504) Do you understand that this face right here you bragged to that face
(1505) You actually high-fived schmidt for fucking your daughter
(1506) Holy shit
(1507) Oh, my God! This is
(1508) It's really not that funny
(1509) I just want to say that
(1510) it was bizarre not to share the fact
(1511) that your daughter went to mc state
(1512) I think it's bizarre
(1513) that I haven't cut your motherfucking nuts off
(1514) What if captain gets to punch you in the face one time
(1515) really, really, really hard
(1516) Nah
(1517) I got something way better than that
(1518) You think Cynthia was the dealer
(1519) How the fuck we gonna infiltrate the dealer if the dealer is dead
(1520) We have to stop treating this
(1521) like it's exactly the same as last time
(1522) And we got a bigger problem No more money in the budget
(1523) What? I thought we had Cate blanchett
(1524) Cate blanchett
(1525) Yeah, I thought we had Cate blanchett with the budget
(1526) You mean carte blanche
(1527) That one
(1528) Welcome back, dum-dum
(1529) We did have carte blanche Not no more
(1530) You got that expensive chase in the beginning
(1531) that expensive equipment this fucking office
(1532) This look like some shit iron man would have Shit's expensive
(1533) I got on $800 shoes and you can't even see the motherfuckers
(1534) So now you two motherfuckers is in the crosshairs
(1535) I'm warning you
(1536) find the supplier
(1537) but don't cost the department no more money
(1538) Look, I apologize about the zook thing
(1539) You were right he's not the dealer
(1540) Okay, great You apologized
(1541) What's that worth, man
(1542) Now we have no leads What are we supposed to do now
(1543) Police work
(1544) Fuck
(1545) Don't throw a fucking dead person's dildo at me
(1546) We're at work right now, okay
(1547) Kids don't check out books anymore, right
(1548) I don't even think they know how to read
(1549) Library Book place
(1550) Library
(1551) The supplier is putting drugs
(1552) inside the books in the library
(1553) where literally no one goes anymore, man
(1554) And the dealers check out the books
(1555) We're going to catch the supplier
(1556) Do you realize how cool Wait, one sec, one sec
(1557) What's up, dude
(1558) Hey, dude, where are you
(1559) We're warming up The game's about to start
(1560) All right, man Um, look, I'm just gonna
(1561) I'm coming
(1562) All right, later
(1563) What are you doing Don't leave me hanging
(1564) Dude, I got to go or I'm gonna blow my cover okay
(1565) You can do this alone I'll be back in two hours
(1566) You got this
(1567) You scared me
(1568) State name! Number State name! Number
(1569) Color! Color! Number
(1570) This is the place
(1571) You'd think if somebody wants to show us their operation
(1572) they'd at least be on time
(1573) Look at this crap. Huh
(1574) I do miss the days Shit
(1575) What's he doing here When people did normal drugs
(1576) What is this Jelly beans
(1577) Crap
(1578) Set, hut
(1579) Mcquaid crosses in an end-around
(1580) It's a trick play These two are practically interchangeable
(1581) Mcquaid throws down the field to haythe
(1582) And he hangs on for the touchdown
(1583) These two are peas in a pod, Bob
(1584) but instead of little green balls
(1585) they are human football players
(1586) Let's hear it once again, mc state for your dynamic duo
(1587) Oh, shit. My brother needs me again
(1588) Look, you know, loyalty's cool
(1589) and I admire it
(1590) and I know he's your brother
(1591) But you can't allow yourself to be held down by a guy
(1592) just because he won't let go
(1593) Yeah. Um
(1594) I gotta take a piss
(1595) The kid's pretty rude to make us wait like this
(1596) Can you shut it
(1597) What's wrong with those classic drugs from the '90s
(1598) Heroin, you know, cocaine
(1599) Hey, hey Whoa. Shit
(1600) I'm fucking here You happy Shh
(1601) The ghost is right there, okay
(1602) He's about to meet up with the supplier
(1603) Hey. Check that out You shush
(1604) You're the one fucking talking You're being so fucking loud
(1605) You shut the fuck up
(1606) What's going on here Shit
(1607) Um
(1608) You're interrupting a really stellar blow job
(1609) Oh, fuck, I just came so hard
(1610) What the hell is going on
(1611) It's okay. It's just a couple of faggots
(1612) Hey, yo, what the fuck did you just say
(1613) Did you just call us faggots
(1614) He said you were sucking his dick
(1615) It's 2014, asshole
(1616) You can't fucking use faggot
(1617) Gay is okay Homosexual, maybe
(1618) And if you know the person you might be able to call them a queer
(1619) If they have a great sense of humor but I don't
(1620) I'm sorry, he took one human sexuality class
(1621) he thinks he's Harvey milk
(1622) Oh, my God Will you please
(1623) just for once, just back me up
(1624) Why can't you just use your head for once
(1625) Oh. You want me to use my head? Fine
(1626) Oh, yeah what's up now motherfuckers
(1627) You remember me
(1628) I'm your best night
(1629) I'm your worst nightmare
(1630) Oh, man, it's my memory
(1631) It's getting worse lately
(1632) Are you the police
(1633) Yeah, that's right And you motherfuckers are all under arrest
(1634) Where's your gun
(1635) What Do you have guns
(1636) No
(1637) No, I don't
(1638) Cause we have guns
(1639) Well, why don't you put your guns down and let's fight like men
(1640) Because we have guns
(1641) Schmidt, run Get him
(1642) Go! Go, go Go
(1643) Shit
(1644) How hard can it be? Shoot them
(1645) Fuck, fuck, fuck
(1646) Shoot them! Shoot them
(1647) Come on, this way, it's faster
(1648) No, just come this Schmidt! Schmidt
(1649) Hurry up, okay
(1650) Schmidt, will you hurry up
(1651) Stop yelling at me You're distracting me
(1652) Schmidt, come on Let's go
(1653) I can't jump down I'm not, like fucking spider-man
(1654) I'm gonna get the car
(1655) Stairs are so much faster
(1656) That's the car you got
(1657) I'm sorry it's not a fucking lambo Shut up and get in
(1658) Are they even still chasing us
(1659) Yes, they're still chasing us
(1660) Why did you do that We were about to catch the supplier
(1661) What's wrong with you
(1662) Look, if you don't say something
(1663) people will never stop discriminating
(1664) Will you please do something
(1665) about how slow this thing's going
(1666) Oh, shit Watch out, watch out
(1667) That is just like a little helmet machine
(1668) We can't destroy any more stuff
(1669) We can't waste any more of the department's money
(1670) Watch out for that cash machine
(1671) Whoo
(1672) Which way Which way? Which way
(1673) Whichever way's cheaper
(1674) Right? You went right
(1675) You could've gone in a parking lot
(1676) you went to the sculpture garden
(1677) Do you know how expensive that's gonna be
(1678) Shit
(1679) It's like they're trying to hit 'em or something
(1680) I mean, it looks cool
(1681) but, I mean it's just so wasteful
(1682) They're destroying everything
(1683) Captain's gonna kill us
(1684) What are we gonna do
(1685) All right we're gonna lose 'em in the robotics lab
(1686) What
(1687) Oh, no Oh, we broke everything
(1688) There was a lot of expensive stuff in there
(1689) Oh, shit
(1690) They're going into the stadium
(1691) Listen, schmidt I gotta tell you something
(1692) I got offered a scholarship
(1693) to play football here next year
(1694) And zook said I could room with him, you know
(1695) so I was thinking that I could do that, maybe
(1696) What? You can't be a cop
(1697) and stay here and play football with zook
(1698) No, look, I know, okay It's just
(1699) There's no friction with me and zook We're the same
(1700) Do you want out If you want out, just say it
(1701) No, I don't want out, okay
(1702) It's just, when I'm on the football field
(1703) and I'm diving for a pass I feel like I can fly
(1704) All right And when I'm with you
(1705) it just feels like you hold me down
(1706) I just wish you could fly with me
(1707) And the statesmen win, 34-14
(1708) And there go the fans onto the field
(1709) Jenko
(1710) Jesus Christ
(1711) Dude, the brakes are out What
(1712) Get the fuck out of the way
(1713) You gotta jump You gotta jump jump, jump
(1714) No
(1715) Fuck
(1716) Let's go, boss We gotta go
(1717) You did it! Yeah Yeah! Yeah
(1718) You're under arrest, sir
(1719) Hey, I'm an officer, all right
(1720) Just take me in I'll explain later
(1721) No, no, no Hey, he's a student He didn't do anything
(1722) Wait, wait What are you doing What are you doing
(1723) I, um
(1724) I decided for you
(1725) Just stick with football
(1726) I can't give you the same feeling that these guys can
(1727) Maybe we were only supposed to do this once
(1728) What
(1729) Dude, this is the fucking best moment of my life
(1730) Let's go, man
(1731) Mcquaid! Mcquaid! Mcquaid
(1732) Hey, Maya angelou
(1733) Thanks for lying to me
(1734) Aw
(1735) Lam-bros! Yes
(1736) Brad mcquaid Brad mcquaid
(1737) Brad mcquaid! Brad
(1738) How are we doing tonight, sir Good, thanks
(1739) Are we waiting on anybody or you dining alone
(1740) Someone may swing by but we can
(1741) We can order without them
(1742) We have identified and arrested one Dr. Karl Murphy
(1743) who was found with whyphy residue throughout his office
(1744) and had a close personal relationship with the deceased
(1745) Exactly like a case we had recently at a high school
(1746) Exactly the same
(1747) The case is closed
(1748) You know, like, what you're gonna do after you're out of here
(1749) You're not supposed to throw rocks
(1750) What
(1751) You're not supposed to throw rocks
(1752) The lobster for one person
(1753) Enough for one person only
(1754) I found something in this whyphy case that caught my attention
(1755) Get the fuck out of my office
(1756) Sir, you don't We caught the guy
(1757) Yeah! Yeah
(1758) Hey, you want to do anything else other than work out today
(1759) Like what
(1760) Come on, dude They're just lobsters, dude
(1761) Come on No, don't be afraid
(1762) It's gonna claw your face It's gonna claw your face
(1763) It's gonna be like this, dude, for the rest of our lives
(1764) Hey Hey
(1765) What are you doing here
(1766) Just came to see how you are
(1767) I'm doing fucking great
(1768) I'm the happiest I've ever been
(1769) so I'm just having a great time with myself
(1770) I'm glad you're having a good time with yourself
(1771) I'm a solo artist now like Beyonce
(1772) I used to have the other destiny's children but now I'm just, uh
(1773) a lone superstar
(1774) Happy for you
(1775) Just a light-skinned princess with a dream and an amazing voice
(1776) That's great
(1777) How are you
(1778) I'm pretty great
(1779) I just chill and You know how chill zook is
(1780) Zook's such a chill guy
(1781) Just like ice
(1782) That makes me so happy for you
(1783) So, look, I just wanted to say that, like
(1784) I was thinking about the case
(1785) and I was worried that they got the wrong guy for it
(1786) I don't think he's the guy, either
(1787) Yeah
(1788) I looked into the ghost's background
(1789) and I saw that he pays tuition for a student at mc state
(1790) You think the ghost could be the supplier's dad
(1791) Maybe
(1792) Okay, that's a pretty good piece of information
(1793) Thank you
(1794) Well, I heard whyphy's coming back in a big way
(1795) Someone's bringing a shit-ton of that stuff
(1796) down to puerto, Mexico for spring break
(1797) And if that happens whyphy is going viral
(1798) It's gonna be at every college in the country
(1799) I think my information was stronger
(1800) Look, if you If you want to
(1801) we could go down there
(1802) Like together
(1803) We don't have to put a label on it
(1804) Just, like, one-time One-time thing
(1805) No big commitment or stress to each other
(1806) What about school and football and your wonderful new life
(1807) I have time off
(1808) I'm on spring break
(1809) Cool tingling
(1810) Got room for one of these babies
(1811) A grenade Why you gonna put it there
(1812) That's just unsanitary
(1813) Feels right
(1814) Missed a spot
(1815) You know this is just a one-time thing, right
(1816) I know
(1817) So you're not gonna be weird about this
(1818) Okay
(1819) Perfect
(1820) Spring break, motherfucker
(1821) Did you not see that I was going first Excuse you
(1822) Excuse you You want to go first
(1823) Spring break, motherfuckers
(1824) Hey
(1825) My gosh! I'm sweaty
(1826) You guys are actually eating stuff in here
(1827) That's so crazy
(1828) Come on, man put your dick away
(1829) Put your fucking dick away
(1830) Upstairs, upstairs Let's go
(1831) Okay, so here's the plan
(1832) We're gonna get all these kids at spring break hooked on whyphy
(1833) Then you're gonna bring it back to your turf
(1834) and you're gonna sell the shit out of it
(1835) Sell shit out of it Do you see that
(1836) And if you rat me out I framed my psych prof just for giving me a b-minus
(1837) He's in jail now so don't fuck with me
(1838) We're gonna build a nationwide network
(1839) What? What the fuck are you doing Be quiet
(1840) Why don't you sell those old classic drugs
(1841) from the '90s like cocaine heroin and
(1842) Dad, those are, like old-people drugs
(1843) That's, like, what they did on  the golden girls
(1844) Like, blanche did heroin
(1845) All right I'll just sit here and be silent
(1846) Blanche never did heroin
(1847) Okay, so, yangs you'll take my dead roommate's spot
(1848) Cool Dope
(1849) Are you kidding me, yangs Are you fucking high
(1850) Of course Yeah, I am
(1851) Jesus Christ have you ever heard of
(1852) don't get high on your own supply
(1853) We didn't Nah
(1854) I didn't do that
(1855) Yeah, I used his and he used mine
(1856) Okay, well, now I have to make a fucking example out of you
(1857) That's a gun Yeah
(1858) Who first
(1859) You want to go first I don't want to die
(1860) You die I don't want to die
(1861) You want to do rock paper scissors Rock paper scissors
(1862) That's how we'll do it That's how we'll do it
(1863) Fuck
(1864) Fuck
(1865) Fuck
(1866) Yeah, we won't figure this out
(1867) I'll shoot both of you Darling
(1868) If you're going into the family business
(1869) you will have to have a clean record
(1870) That's why we have these guys to do it for us
(1871) Oh, fuck. Jinx
(1872) We got to move right now
(1873) Buy me a coke in heaven. Jinx again
(1874) Put your guns down Fucking guns down
(1875) Doug
(1876) My name's not Doug it's schmidt
(1877) And guess what we're cops Boom
(1878) Oh, my God
(1879) Yeah, everybody knows Really
(1880) You guys look like the stars of a cop show called  Hawaiian dads
(1881) All right enough is enough Boys, move in
(1882) Oh, do we have company Yeah
(1883) Drop your guns Drop yours first
(1884) We have way more guns than you Drop your fucking guns
(1885) Okay, that's a good point
(1886) Wow
(1887) I mean, was this really your entire plan
(1888) Coming in here with no backup
(1889) Or maybe we had a far more elaborate plan Mmm-hmm
(1890) Maybe my partner has a tracking device in his pocket right now
(1891) May... what
(1892) You had the fucking tracking device I don't have it
(1893) That's the one fucking thing you were supposed to remember
(1894) You're the smart person. You do the tracking device shit
(1895) That's your domain I do the physical shit
(1896) You know what I may drag you down sometimes
(1897) but every possible time you can do something dumb
(1898) you do the dumbest possible thing
(1899) No, the fucking dumbest possible thing
(1900) is letting two cops blah-blah-blah
(1901) while other cops are getting in position to bust their shit in
(1902) Oh, so you mean I brought the tracking device
(1903) Yeah What's up now, huh
(1904) That seemed like such a real argument
(1905) That's improv, bitch
(1906) Move
(1907) Spring break yourself, fool
(1908) We shoot dicks off here in jump street
(1909) We're here, as well
(1910) We jump street and we about to jump in yo' ass
(1911) Right in the crack
(1912) Don't do it, leatherface
(1913) He's got the drugs
(1914) This is so boring No one's getting shot
(1915) Oh, my God
(1916) Did you just get shot like, right after I fucking said that
(1917) Can I have your gun It's bigger
(1918) Stop! I'll shoot you in the ass
(1919) Dad
(1920) Maya
(1921) What are you doing here
(1922) This is a shoot-out
(1923) You know what happens in a shoot-out
(1924) They always kidnap the girl
(1925) Not always
(1926) Mercedes You're coming with me
(1927) Bitch, please. I ain't going nowhere with you
(1928) Now
(1929) Dad, what do I do
(1930) Is that my bathing suit
(1931) Just ask. It's polite
(1932) You shot me in my foot! Wait
(1933) Move! Move faster now
(1934) I'm taking my time Shit, you shot me in my goddamn foot
(1935) Doug? Doug
(1936) Maya
(1937) Mercedes just took my dad that way
(1938) Okay, we're on it
(1939) If I die I'm gonna kill both of you motherfuckers
(1940) Fuck. How are we gonna catch him now
(1941) Lambo
(1942) Policia! Policia Fuck off
(1943) Shit, there's ghost
(1944) What? What do we do
(1945) Uh, we need to split up
(1946) Are you okay with that
(1947) Yeah, I can do it
(1948) Are you sure
(1949) I need to drive cause you're faster on foot
(1950) What? I don't get to drive the lambo
(1951) No, you don't Come on, let's go
(1952) But I want Who gives a shit about the lambo? Just go
(1953) Let go of the fucking keys I can't let 'em go
(1954) You're gonna have to take 'em
(1955) Take care of her, okay It'll be glorious I promise
(1956) How do you drive this thing
(1957) You got to let her drive you, bro
(1958) I can't get in
(1959) Hey
(1960) Look where you're going
(1961) It's so confusing
(1962) Easy, bitch My hands are hurting
(1963) Whoa
(1964) You know who's behind us in that car
(1965) That's one of the best drivers that we got
(1966) Fuck
(1967) Oh, shit
(1968) Fucking complicated What is this
(1969) Holy shit
(1970) You fucked up me driving a lamborghini you dick
(1971) Fuck you, doves
(1972) Puerto, Mexico let's hear you get crazy
(1973) It's like a Batmobile
(1974) Come on, schmidt
(1975) Old man coming through
(1976) Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me
(1977) Brad! Spring break
(1978) Look, I can't, all right
(1979) Dude, I got to go I got to go
(1980) This is quite enough
(1981) You need to let me go and drop all this
(1982) Get out of the way
(1983) Tokyo drift
(1984) That was way too fast and pretty
(1985) Way too A little bit too furious
(1986) Schmidt Get over here I'm handcuffed
(1987) Give it up, asshole And nice parking job
(1988) Fuck! I'll be right back
(1989) I gotta go I'll be right back. Sorry
(1990) That's a direct order motherfucker Come over here
(1991) You are so old and weak
(1992) Drop the fucking gun Seriously
(1993) Get your wrinkly hands off me
(1994) Where the hell have you been
(1995) Looking for you
(1996) I've been running like crazy
(1997) Hey! Hey
(1998) Want to fight like a man
(1999) Then you better fight like two men
(2000) Hey Hey
(2001) Really? More twins
(2002) Get up, old man river
(2003) Come on Hey
(2004) Get up and hit me you fucking pussy
(2005) I'm not gonna fight a girl, so just stop
(2006) It shouldn't matter
(2007) If you thought of me as a person instead of a woman
(2008) you would hit me and not feel bad about it
(2009) Okay Bring it
(2010) I'm ready
(2011) It's on now, dawg
(2012) Girl fight
(2013) Oh. Oh Oh, my God
(2014) Is there blood in my eye Oh, my God Are you all right
(2015) I think there's blood in my eye
(2016) Fucking learn how to hit
(2017) That's a little better
(2018) That's a little better motherfucker Come on! Come on
(2019) No! No What
(2020) What were you doing What am I doing
(2021) Why'd you try to kiss me
(2022) I didn't fucking try and kiss you
(2023) Yes, you did Ooh, you're so weird
(2024) You're fucking Mr. and Mrs. Smith-ing me
(2025) I'm not Mr. and Mrs. Smith-ing you
(2026) This wasn't a sexy fight
(2027) Oh, like you haven't wanted to kiss me the whole time
(2028) I never once wanted to kiss you
(2029) Never! No
(2030) You just did it again Stop it Stop
(2031) You're making a face that is sexy
(2032) I don't even want to kiss you
(2033) Then stop trying
(2034) You keep trying
(2035) I've never tried to kiss you
(2036) You gave me kiss me eyes
(2037) No, I didn't
(2038) The eyes were I just got punched in the face eyes
(2039) They weren't kiss me eyes
(2040) I don't even like you
(2041) Neither do I so stop kissing me
(2042) Okay
(2043) No! You're leaning in again
(2044) I didn't know if we were gonna punch or kiss
(2045) You're making this so uncomfortable
(2046) This is the most uncomfortable fistfight I've ever been in
(2047) I'm gonna give you an out by punching you in the face
(2048) Okay Okay
(2049) And then we're gonna go back to fighting
(2050) and we'll pretend this never happened
(2051) cause I feel so awkward
(2052) I want to see you get crazy
(2053) Whoo
(2054) I fucking hate spring break
(2055) Fuck
(2056) Ow
(2057) Are you kidding me It's plastic
(2058) Doesn't even hurt Okay
(2059) This isn't the spring break you imagined
(2060) How about this You want a little fun
(2061) What is that
(2062) Get wet, baby
(2063) So much lube in my face
(2064) Oh
(2065) Lube on my face
(2066) You're so violent
(2067) Get off me unless you're gonna fuck me
(2068) I'm not gonna fuck you
(2069) Are we gonna fuck No, we're not
(2070) Is that what's happening
(2071) No! I'm not gonna fuck you, ever
(2072) Get off
(2073) Hey
(2074) Hey
(2075) What? What are you gonna do
(2076) Choke me with your liver-spotted hands
(2077) You gonna push me over with your Walker
(2078) I'm impressed you caught up to me
(2079) You probably haven't run that fast
(2080) since you played stickball in the field
(2081) behind old pop wiggleby's sweet shop
(2082) Freeze, bitch Oh, thank God
(2083) Look who got off the motherfucking leash
(2084) Now who's the damsel in distress Fuck
(2085) Well, I guess it's him
(2086) I don't have a clean shot, schmidt
(2087) Then don't take the shot
(2088) Maybe I want to take a dirty shot
(2089) Kind of like the dirty shot you took on my daughter
(2090) I didn't take a dirty shot on your daughter, okay
(2091) We talked a lot and we care about each other
(2092) All the good qualities you have
(2093) I can feel inside of Maya
(2094) I'm gonna take the shot
(2095) Don't take the shot
(2096) I can shoot right through your shoulder
(2097) hit the bitch right in the chest
(2098) Don't take the shot I'm taking the shot
(2099) I'll take the fucking shot
(2100) Nobody take the shot before me
(2101) How about we take it at the same time No one take a shot
(2102) Wait, wait, wait, wait
(2103) Shit! You have the right to remain silent
(2104) No, no, no, I got this
(2105) You go handle the ghost He's on the roof
(2106) I'm on it I got it
(2107) What you looking at Oh
(2108) Good job on the cuffs baby girl
(2109) So many fucking stairs
(2110) It's me! It's me Shit
(2111) You made it, dude Did you get Mercedes
(2112) Yeah. All by myself
(2113) Really
(2114) Mainly by myself Okay
(2115) And, dude, you were right that lambo
(2116) Just can't hear that right now
(2117) It's a shitty-made car It's not good
(2118) Hey, let's go We got to go
(2119) How many bullets you got left
(2120) None
(2121) Act like you have bullets, then
(2122) We gotta go
(2123) We have to wait for pudding
(2124) Jenko
(2125) Go, go
(2126) Here, take this Okay
(2127) I tried to take a bullet for you, man
(2128) Yeah. But you didn't
(2129) But I tried It's the thought that matters
(2130) No, it's not the thought that counts
(2131) It's fucking taking the bullet
(2132) Cover me I'm gonna go long
(2133) Okay
(2134) Bye-bye, Terminator
(2135) Hey! Get off of my chopper
(2136) Can you shake him off
(2137) I'm coming for you motherfucker
(2138) Come on just wiggle the stick back and forth
(2139) He's only got one arm
(2140) I only need one arm to punch you in the dick
(2141) Shake him off! Shake him off
(2142) Don't be a pussy
(2143) Holy shit
(2144) I did it
(2145) I look so fucking badass
(2146) Oh, my God, you flew
(2147) This is crazy
(2148) You made the leap, man
(2149) Why'd you do that
(2150) Cause you did it
(2151) I couldn't leave you hanging, man
(2152) What are you talking about I was fine. I had it
(2153) You weren't
(2154) I got you Shit! Schmidt
(2155) I got you
(2156) You saved my life
(2157) I just realized something
(2158) You don't hold me down, man
(2159) You lift me up
(2160) Literally and figuratively
(2161) Yeah, I know I meant both
(2162) You don't drag me down either, man
(2163) I mean, except right now
(2164) You're dragging me down You're really heavy
(2165) Hey, listen, there's a grenade in my shorts
(2166) Can you reach it
(2167) You gotta go in from underneath
(2168) Oh, shit
(2169) Is that it That's my dick
(2170) What about that
(2171) That's my dick also
(2172) Why is it hard
(2173) I have so much adrenaline right now
(2174) Is that it You're tickling me
(2175) I can't find it
(2176) That's it! Grab it
(2177) Yes
(2178) No, I got it in my mouth
(2179) Say something cool when you throw it
(2180) One, two, three
(2181) Something cool
(2182) They're gone
(2183) Oh, I feel so
(2184) Whoo-hoo
(2185) We did it
(2186) Dude, fuck, I'm... ow
(2187) Oh! Shit, sorry
(2188) Dude, I miss you so much, man
(2189) I miss you, too
(2190) You were like a tiny little flower seed
(2191) and I was clenching you in my fist
(2192) But a flower it can't grow in a fist
(2193) A little seed needs to fly away free and find its soil
(2194) Yeah, I know I tried to soil myself and dude, I didn't like it
(2195) I wanted a relationship without friction
(2196) Dude, you need friction to create fire
(2197) And that's what we have we have fire
(2198) Dude, I'm in I'm all in
(2199) Thank God
(2200) Dude, this is what I've always wanted Just me and you, buddy
(2201) I love you
(2202) Me, too, man I love you, man
(2203) You know what
(2204) That's who he should be with, man
(2205) What
(2206) Hey, what'd you say when you threw the grenade up there
(2207) I said, something cool
(2208) What did you say
(2209) It was something cool No, but what'd you say
(2210) Yeah, I know I said, something cool
(2211) I didn't expect spring break to be this stinky
(2212) It's pretty gross
(2213) Man, we're getting too old for this shit
(2214) We started off too old for this shit
(2215) You ain't lying about that
(2216) Dude, we're even about the arm thing okay? Right
(2217) What? What do you want to do
(2218) Don't move Fuck. All right
(2219) Just get it over with all right Don't move
(2220) One Just graze my arm
(2221) I don't want you to hit the bone Two
(2222) three
(2223) Fuck! Fuck Shit
(2224) Oh, my God are you all right Shit
(2225) Why, man? Why am I always getting hurt around you
(2226) Jenko, what are you doing Oh, fuck you
(2227) Fuck you, schmidt Stop dicking around
(2228) Hey, cap Congratulations, you two
(2229) You managed to un-fuck up the situation you originally fucked up
(2230) Thanks
(2231) I wish you can un-fuck my daughter
(2232) but I'm gonna let that be the past
(2233) Now, for your next mission
(2234) you two sons of bitches are going to medical school
(2235) What
(2236) This time foreign exchange students
(2237) Awesome Yes
(2238) In Russia
(2239) What
(2240) Do svidanya
(2241) Vodka soda
(2242) Next assignment A semester at sea
(2243) You two sons of bitches are going to culinary school
(2244) There's a microchip in this empanada
(2245) Old family recipe
(2246) Best to keep it a secret
(2247) Oh, shit
(2248) New assignment
(2249) Cap, does schmidt look any different to you
(2250) No That's schmidt
(2251) I don't know what you're talking about, man
(2252) He look exactly the same to me
(2253) I got new glasses
(2254) Yeah, man, he just got some new glasses, man. God damn
(2255) No one's gonna fucking notice
(2256) Let's do this, schmidt
(2257) Yeah. Just like we always do, Jenkins
(2258) It's jenko Sorry
(2259) I'm really really glad you're back, schmidt
(2260) What are you talking about What contract dispute
(2261) I've been here the whole time
(2262) Man, shut the fuck up
(2263) How about a flight academy
(2264) Undercover just got a whole lot sexier
(2265) You're jump street, right
(2266) Yeah. How the fuck do you know that
(2267) I'm booker
(2268) Oh, shit Man, you're a legend
(2269) Traffic school
(2270) Military school
(2271) Scuba class
(2272) Dance academy
(2273) Yes
(2274) Finally something I'm amazing at
(2275) You sons of bitches is gonna be in a video game
(2276) Let's blow shit up
(2277) Jump street style
(2278) Get ready for a lifetime of being badass motherfuckers
(2279) It's inking in my mouth
(2280) Don't fuck my daughter
(2281) All right, new assignment
(2282) Six hours of makeup
(2283) We're getting too old for this shit
(2284) Nice
(2285) Something cool
(2286) Eric
(2287) Eric, are you awake
(2288) No
(2289) I'm late

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