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Monday, January 25, 2016

[2012] [FDR: American Badass!] English Transcripts

(1) Now, the whole country is in a panic.
(2) We've been summoned to the White House
(3) knowing that the World War is upon us.
(4) Well, he comes bursting down the stairs
(5) with his dick resting over a hanger shouting,
(6) "Does this look too wrinkled to wear into Congress?"
(7) But that was Woodrow Wilson for you.
(8) He just didn't give a fuck.
(9) The next day
(10) we entered World War I,
(11) and the bitch of it is...
(12) I never got my iron back.
(13) We got movement.
(14) What do you think Bronson, is this our grizzly?
(15) Can't tell.
(16) It's moving between the trees too quickly.
(17) Have a look Governor Roosevelt.
(18) Oh, my God!
(19) What is it?
(20) Werewolf!
(21) Everybody run!
(22) [GROWLS] We're all going to die!
(23) Don't panic, we just got to make it back to the cabin.
(24) Wait! Wait!
(25) Why me? I'm fat and weak.
(26) Probably for exactly that reason.
(27) No!
(28) Let's get some, boys. No, we got to keep moving, Frank.
(29) They carry polio.
(30) [GROWLS]
(31) [GROANS]
(32) Fuck polio.
(33) Good shot, old boy.
(34) Did you put silver bullets in that thing, Frank?
(35) No, why?
(36) That's why. Run!
(37) Oh, shit.
(38) Sweet Jesus!
(39) What the shit?
(40) Ooh!
(41) Why even spend the time to do that?
(42) Frank, we got to get the hell out of here.
(43) No chair lift, we're never going to make it.
(44) We're going to have to go old school on this.
(45) This isn't a time for that we need silver bullets.
(46) [YELLS]
(47) Oh, sick goblins!
(48) Frank, I'm sorry.
(49) Tell Eleanor I love her.
(50) Eleanor has silver bullets.
(51) Eleanor.
(52) Frank, stay with me.
(53) Stay with me, Frank.
(54) Frank, Frank, stay with me, Frank.
(55) Please.
(56) [GASPS]
(57) Oh, thank God.
(58) Oh, I thought you were dead, Frank.
(59) Ain't nobody going to take down The Delano, Kitten Tits.
(60) Kitten Breasts, Frank.
(61) Hey, Frank, how you feeling?
(62) Like a bag full of dicks at a lesbian convention.
(63) Oh, language, Franklin.
(64) [FRENCH ACCENT] Eh, Comme sucka des dicks at a convention de lesbian.
(65) Oh, that's better.
(67) Easy Lou, just me.
(68) Put that hamster back in its cage.
(69) Glad to see you awake, Governor Roosevelt.
(70) Let me just say, on behalf of the great State of New York,
(71) it is our honor Cut the shit, doc.
(72) If I wanted smoke blown up my ass,
(73) I would have spread my cheeks
(74) and jammed a whistling teapot up there.
(75) Why can't I feel my legs?
(76) When the werewolf attacked you and bit your leg,
(77) it released a small stream of
(78) You've got the polio, Frank.
(79) Does my cock still work?
(80) Yes, I had one of the nurses run tests.
(81) Well,
(82) why is everybody looking so down? Cock works.
(83) I'll be up and at it in no time.
(84) Oh, in two weeks, Lou, I want a rematch
(85) of that 100 yard dash, you son of a bitch.
(86) I'm going to get you this time!
(87) I'm going to get you!
(88) Frank, Frank, you're not hearing me.
(89) You'll never be able to walk again.
(90) What?
(91) That's the thing about werewolf attacks
(92) where you're bitten is where the polio sets in.
(93) In your case...
(94) it's your legs.
(95) [GASPS] Oh!
(96) God, no.
(97) Why?
(98) Why did you have to give him tiny, little, shriveled-up polio legs?
(99) Why, why!
(100) I love you Eleanor,

(101) but you got to just shut-the-fuck-up
(102) when grown men are conversing!
(103) Fortunately, Louis got you to the hospital
(104) before the polio spread to your
(105) Good looking out, Lou.
(106) On the reels, I'll never walk again?
(107) Can't something be did?
(108) If I'm going to give you real barbershop talk,
(109) no rashes, no chalk with rehabilitation
(110) you might be able to stand with leg braces
(111) possibly a cane.
(112) But you will never again walk without guided assistance.
(113) Well, fuck it then! Just get a goddamn hacksaw up here
(114) and cut my legs off and sew them on his goddamn body!
(115) Oh, let's do that.
(116) Keep your pants on, Louis.
(117) That isn't how this works.
(118) There's nothing more we can do.
(119) Mr. Roosevelt, I'm so very sorry.
(120) Eleanor can take you home this afternoon.
(121) All right, thank you, doctor.
(122) Louis, can I see you out in the hallway for a moment?
(123) [ELEANOR WHINES] Shut up.
(124) What's the skinny, pill pusher? It's not good for me to leave the Gov by himself.
(125) There's something I need to show you.
(126) Do not grab your dick and ask me to guess the temperature.
(127) Motherfucker, I'm not playing hide the keys
(128) from the jailer either, understand?
(129) Put the gun away.
(130) What I'm about to show you
(131) affects not only Governor Roosevelt,
(132) but possibly all of mankind.
(133) I don't understand why are we in the morgue?
(134) This is what I wanted to show you.
(135) What the fuck, bro?
(136) Sorry, wrong one.
(137) This is what I wanted to show you.
(138) That thing's dead, right?
(139) Yes, I had a male nurse check him out.
(140) I won't go into details, but I owed him a favor.
(141) Anyway, while he was shaving him, he found this.
(142) Is that a belly tattoo of a swastika?
(143) The detail's amazing Those fucking Germans, man,
(144) their craftsmanship is unmatched.
(145) How do you know the werewolf is German?
(146) Besides the swastika,
(147) we found this on him.
(148) But why?
(149) We're not at war with Germany anymore-- this doesn't add up.
(150) I'm not a mathematician, I'm a damn doctor!
(151) And I didn't train on wolves.
(152) Plus, he's a German.
(153) We have to call in the authorities.
(154) You shut that whole spitting shit
(155) out of your face, do you hear me?
(156) Do you hear me? Yes.
(157) Good, now
(158) I'm going to pull my Model A around the back
(159) while you bag this son of a bitch up.
(160) Then you are going to help me load him into the automobile.
(161) And if you breathe a word of this to the press out there,
(162) so help me God, I will come up in here with an axe
(163) I will split your ass in two like a Granny Smith apple.
(164) Do you understand me? Yes!
(165) Good.
(166) The Governor's had a bad day.
(167) I don't want him seeing any of this shit.
(168) Bag that evidence with it too.
(169) I've had a bad day too.
(171) Doctor Bender to the mental ward, please.
(172) I don't know if I could spend the rest of my life
(173) in that goddamn thingy.
(174) I know, sweetie.
(175) When we get out of here, I say we get a second opinion
(176) about attaching Louis's legs to your body.
(178) What the hell is that?
(179) FDR, FDR...
(180) Looks like a crowd is gathered outside.
(181) And they're holding signs for you
(182) to run for President,
(183) FDR, FDR, FDR...
(184) among other things.
(185) Hey, Frank, you got a minute?
(186) Yeah, sure-- what the hell's going on out there.
(187) It's pandemonium, people are going shit house, Frank.
(188) You're all over the news.
(189) We got to get you out there, boss.
(190) Let the people know you're all right.
(191) I can't.
(192) At least not in that thing.
(193) Mr. Roosevelt, there's someone out here that would like to see you.
(194) Unless it's your identical twin, not right now.
(195) It's a ten-year-old boy, Timmy.
(196) He's stricken with polio.
(197) Werewolf attack?
(198) No, he had a prolonged virus
(199) in his intestinal track.
(200) Well, mine's kind of braver sorry.
(201) Frank. Oh, all right, I'll see him.
(202) God.
(203) Hi, Mr. Roosevelt.
(204) Please call me Governor.
(205) Okay, Gov, Gov, Governor.
(206) Oh, Jesus, is polio going to make me stutter too?
(207) Oh, no, that's a separate problem
(208) he's dealing with, as well.
(209) Oh, thank God.
(210) Wha-- why aren't you in a wheelchair?
(211) Well, Tommy, Timmy.
(212) Timmy, I uh...
(213) I was just waiting for you to come in
(214) and push it to me.
(215) Did you hear that, son?
(216) Bring the Governor his wheelchair.
(217) Independent.
(218) There you go.
(219) Well, now we're twi, twi, twi, twins.
(220) Thanks for taking the time, Governor.
(221) It sure means a lot to him.
(222) I bet it does.
(223) Well, hmm,
(224) take care of yourself, Tommy-- Timmy. Timmy.
(225) And why don't you drop by the mansion
(226) on the sixth Tuesday in July and we'll have a catch?
(227) Thank you. Yes.
(228) [STUTTERS] Are you going to run for President,
(229) Mr. Roosevelt?
(230) You're the only one who can save us.
(231) FDR, FDR, FDR...
(232) Are you sure you want to do this, Frank?
(233) I'm sure.
(234) I've got it from here.
(235) How you feeling, Governor?
(236) Like a one dollar bill, never better.
(237) What was it like being attacked by a werewolf?
(238) About the same as having your money
(239) in the stock market, these days.
(240) Hey, Governor Roosevelt,
(241) there hasn't been a werewolf attack on a public figure
(242) since Abraham Lincoln in 1860.
(243) Why now?
(244) Ask him.
(245) Oh, no, wait-- head blown off.
(246) Almost forgot about that.
(247) But who am I kidding? I'm not any better.
(248) Marco... polio.
(249) Hey, all kidding aside, Mr. Roosevelt, Yep.
(250) you plan on running for President?
(251) And if you win, how will it feel
(252) to be the first invalid ever elected?
(253) Gee, Bob, if I had known you were going to try to fuck me,
(254) I would have had the hospital dress me in a nicer gown.
(255) Men are not prisoners of their fate.
(256) They are only prisoners of their own mind.
(257) And I will not allow you to rape the prisoner
(258) inside my mind.
(259) And as far as invalids go
(260) oh, hell, the conservatives in this country
(261) have been invalids for years.
(262) He's got that right.
(263) I view this werewolf attack not as an attack against me,
(264) but an attack against our nation.
(265) And I will fight the problems of this nation
(266) with the same tenacity that I used
(267) to take down that vicious beast.
(268) So, today I toss my hat into the ring
(269) with the Democratic Party to be the next President
(270) of the United States.
(271) God bless America.
(272) FDR, FDR, FDR...
(273) How was that? It was good.
(274) The part about the prisoner was a little weird.
(275) I was freestyling, son.
(276) Oh, Frank!
(277) Mrs. Roosevelt, you're going to have to sit
(278) up front on Franklin's lap.
(279) Ooh.
(280) Why?
(281) Because there's a dead werewolf in the trunk.
(282) I'll explain later.
(283) Did you debrief him?
(284) Yes. Cool.
(285) I hate when I have to take his boxers off.
(286) Is he in bed? Yes.
(287) Where are you going?
(288) I'm going to sleep in the guest bedroom.
(289) Do you really think he should be alone right now?
(290) I can't
(291) It's just
(292) His legs
(293) They're shriveled-up like two-day-old hot dogs.
(294) I don't want them touching me.
(295) Eleanor,
(296) He is running for the Presidency of the United States.
(297) You are his wife and a potential first lady.
(298) So, what are you saying?
(299) What I'm saying is you have got to get your shit together!
(300) Not just for Frank,
(301) but for the good of the whole country, do you hear me?
(302) [WHISPERS] Yes.
(303) A divorce will blow his chances
(304) right out of the water and that just can't happen.
(305) There's too much at stake.
(306) We think
(307) there might still be more...
(308) werewolves out there.
(309) Are you serious?
(310) I thought that was an isolated attack.
(311) We still don't know.
(312) Oh. Look,
(313) we'll talk about it tomorrow.
(314) Get some sleep.
(315) Oh. [KNOCKS]
(316) Yes.
(317) How you feeling, Frank?
(318) Not too bad, actually.
(319) Just getting used to getting in and out of that chair.
(320) Crawling into bed here, I was as nervous as a 10-year-old
(321) in a whore house. I bet.
(322) So,
(323) Eleanor is tending to the kids?
(324) Yeah, she's probably going to spend the night
(325) with them tonight keep an eye on them.
(326) They've had a pretty big scare.
(327) They have? Shit, look at these! Oh!
(328) Frank, you've got to stop doing that.
(329) [CHUCKLES]
(330) Here's the paper, by the way.
(331) Thank you.
(332) Let's see.
(333) Oh, American hero and werewolf killer,
(334) Franklin Delano Roosevelt
(335) announces he's running for President.
(336) Thank you, mm-hmm.
(337) I hope it mentions something about my cock still working.
(338) No.
(339) Well, shit, call them up!
(340) I want a press release first thing in the morning.
(341) Before we do that But
(342) let's leak them a picture too.
(343) Before we do that, I have something to discuss with you.
(344) I don't think there's anything more important than this.
(345) It's about the dead werewolf.
(346) Stuff it-- hang it over the mantle.
(347) Put it in the kids' room.
(348) This is serious, Frank.
(349) The doctors ran some tests and they think
(350) the werewolf might have come from Germany.
(351) What?
(352) Yeah.
(353) They found some markings on it
(354) and some literature next to the body.
(355) German...
(356) why?
(357) I don't know.
(358) But don't you think it's odd that the last attack
(359) was on Abraham Lincoln before he ran for President?
(360) The only thing I find odd
(361) is that there's no
(362) I'm serious, Frank.
(363) I'm serious too, Lou, I am serious!
(364) All right, what should we do?
(365) Should we call up the FBI and have them
(366) No, no, no, I don't want Hoover to be using
(367) any bullshit German propaganda against you in the election.
(368) We'll just get you elected first,
(369) then we'll let them have a look at the wolf.
(370) In the meantime, I'll beef up security on the campaign trail.
(371) That's a good idea, thank you, Lou.
(372) Just keep the kids out of the meat freezer
(373) for a couple of months
(374) Oh, Lou,
(375) Yeah.
(376) Cancel my soccer camp tomorrow.
(377) I don't think I'm going to be any good.
(378) Oh, fuck you.
(379) Pleasure.
(380) Yes.
(381) Here we go, there we go.
(382) Excuse me, would you sign my newspaper?
(383) And does it work?
(384) Damn straight-- the answer to both those questions.
(385) Thank you.
(386) Thank you.
(387) Lou.
(388) Hey.
(389) So, he reads the sign, he gets all pissed off,
(390) throws down his pickax and helmet and starts to leave.
(391) Well, she-- she runs out of the brothel naked
(392) and says, "No, we don't serve minors.
(393) You, sir, look well over 18."
(394) [GROANS]
(395) And we go.
(396) Oh, I'm exhausted and I can't even stand up.
(397) God bless you guys.
(398) Keep laughing, boys.
(399) You think God blessed Tommy?
(400) Hold on, fellows.
(401) Who's Tommy?
(402) Tommy-- Tommy used to work on the docks.
(403) Unions been on strike,
(404) down on his luck.
(405) It's tough.
(406) So tough.
(407) What happened to him?
(408) Got so depressed, he tried to off himself.
(409) And who's taking care of him?
(410) His wife, Gina.
(411) Gina works the diner all day.
(412) Working for
(413) Come over here, come over here!
(414) Sit on Uncle Frankie's lap.
(415) Okay, sh-hhh.
(416) Your Uncle Delano's going to fix this shit.
(417) You guys are the salt of the earth.
(418) The real people who make this country run.
(419) And I am not going to leave you
(420) to live on a prayer!
(421) [CHEERS]
(422) Beautiful melons, mam.
(423) They sure are ripe for the picking.
(424) I meant your tits.
(425) So did I.
(426) What in the hell is going on down here?
(427) Okay, Frank, got to get there. Yeah, yeah.
(428) Excuse me, were you ogling at my wife's breasts?
(429) Mm-mm.
(430) I don't mind if you were.
(431) I just want to view it, that's all.
(432) Congressman Cleavon Baybridge Buford-- Repube, Georgia.
(433) Nice to meet you. Yes, you too.
(434) Did you just say Repube?
(435) Mm-hmm, yes, sir.
(436) You mean Republican?
(437) No, sir.
(438) The form I filled out when I ran for congress said Repube on it.
(439) It was a professional form, sir.
(440) It was typed on paper
(441) maybe even double-space.
(442) I think you meant Repub, short for Republican.
(443) No, sir.
(444) I saved the form, sir.
(445) It is inside a folder marked official on it.
(446) So, I know that it is real.
(447) Yes, but-- You're probably good then. Let this one go, Frank.
(448) Nice meeting you folks. Oh, no stay for dinner.
(449) We've got fried chicken and fresh biscuits and okra.
(450) I'll go down on you all.
(451) It'll be a nice time.
(452) Excuse me?
(453) My cousin-- wife is excellent at entertaining guests.
(454) And even though I am a Repube,
(455) it would be an honor to have the next President
(456) of the United States over to our house for dinner,
(457) possibly share our bed,
(458) even if he is a Democrat.
(459) No, we have a long campaign ahead of us.
(460) I don't think it's the
(461) Sir, I can assure you
(462) that this is a house where wolves
(463) will not attack us.
(464) Plus, I got some moonshine
(465) which does not taste like asshole grease.
(466) Sold!
(467) So I said to her
(468) keep your back straight, knees bent,
(469) feet shoulder-width apart,
(470) and keep your strokes to a minimum.
(471) Well, she can't golf worth a shit
(472) but she can give a hell of a blow job.
(473) It's true.
(474) I'm looking at a big handicap right now.
(475) Ahhh, Cleavon,
(476) so why do they call this town Warm Springs?
(477) Oh, Legend has it
(478) that whenever a young Injun girl
(479) becomes a woman,
(480) you know, down there,
(481) she will race toward the springs
(482) and jump inside the water
(483) and begin her menstruation process.
(484) It is said that the blood
(485) collectively joining together
(486) creates a natural warmth
(487) that gives a man a feeling
(488) as if he is back inside a womb again.
(489) It will invigorate him
(490) and cause him to do things
(491) that he could only do when he was a fetus.
(492) Is that true?
(493) Is what true, sir?
(494) The story you just told.
(495) I am sorry, I am quite inebriated
(496) and I was unaware that I was speaking out loud just now.
(497) I am shamed.
(498) Who want dessert?
(499) We got peach cobbler, rhubarb pie,
(500) some southern strawberry jam cake, and
(501) Excuse me, this doesn't seem appropriate.
(502) What is that, sir?
(503) A black slave walking in with a chalkboard
(504) around his neck with dessert choices on it.
(505) It seems a little... racist.
(506) These kind people have taken me in,
(507) given me an education,
(508) shared their bed with me,
(509) given me food,
(510) and you have the nerve
(511) to call them racist.
(512) How dare you, sir?
(513) I have merely been falling behind on my writing,
(514) so I asked if I may use the chalkboard
(515) to further my spelling,
(516) and I have to deal with this?
(517) I'm sorry, I
(518) I shall leave two incongruent pieces of Georgia pine
(519) next to your bed
(520) in case you want to transfix them together with twine
(521) and light them ablaze
(522) to make you feel at home, sir!
(523) I didn't mean anything.
(524) May I be excused, sir?
(525) Yes, sure, Curtis.
(526) I shall be in the garden playing basketball,
(527) should anyone need me.
(528) So, Mr. Roosevelt,
(529) may I escort you out to the springs?
(530) I think that you will find them quite delightful.
(531) I know that I do. [CHUCKLES]
(532) Well, I think that would be quite pleasant.
(533) Mmm, Mrs. Buford,
(534) will you show our esteemed guest, Louis,
(535) where our extra bathing suits are?
(536) Oh, that won't be necessary.
(537) I like to be choked.
(538) Mmm, indeed, sir.
(539) Ah, this is remarkable, I feel so invigorated.
(540) It's like I have full movement in my extremities again.
(541) Kick your little old legs, Frank.
(542) Kick your little old legs.
(543) Oh, yeah.
(544) Legend has it
(545) that the Injuns used to come here to hide from werewolves.
(546) Seems the wolves hate warm water.
(547) Is that real?
(548) Because earlier you told me another story about this place.
(549) Mm?
(550) I'm sorry, was I speaking out loud again?
(551) Yes.
(552) God, shit, sometimes I think that I am silent
(553) when these thoughts just flow between my lips.
(554) I'm seeing a specialist about it.
(555) Anywho, my doctor recommended that I come here
(556) to relieve my polio after my attack.
(557) What?
(558) Well, you were attacked too?
(559) Mm-hmm, yes, sir
(560) up in the Appalachian Mountains.
(561) I had taken my nephew, Jimmy, Jimmy Carter,
(562) on a camping trip.
(563) Well, in the middle of the night
(564) I had awoken
(565) to relieve myself with my hands.
(566) When, all of a sudden, out of the corner of my eye
(567) I noticed this werewolf
(568) running through the trees
(569) over to the tent, trying to kill him.
(570) [GROWL]
(571) Uncle Cleavon, Uncle Cleavon.
(572) [FDR] And what did he do?
(573) Well, instincts kick in at that point.
(574) And I do the only thing that Cleavon Baybridge Buford knows how to do,
(575) which is to sprint over to the tent,
(576) pull out a small sterling silver cheese knife
(577) I keep tucked inside my pants at all times,
(578) and kill that son of a bitch dead on the spot.
(579) That, sir, was unnecessary.
(580) And you are dead, sir.
(581) Damn.
(582) Well, I got a mild case of the polio
(583) enough that I can walk with a cane
(584) as long as I have plenty of Georgia peaches. Ah.
(585) Peaches?
(586) Mm-hmm.
(587) Peaches, meet the next President of the United States,
(588) Mr. Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
(589) Much obliged, sir. Mam.
(590) I didn't touch your wife.
(591) Oh, that's okay.
(592) Our votes are swing, if you know what I mean.
(593) Let's enjoy the springs, shall we?
(594) Here, here. Enjoy the springs.
(595) This, sir, was a pleasure.
(596) Well, the pleasure was all mine.
(597) And mine-- twice.
(598) Thanks, Mrs. Buford.
(599) You're mighty welcome, boys.
(600) You all come back soon, now, you hear.
(601) And good luck on the rest of the campaign.
(602) Just know that this Repube will be voting for you.
(603) Cleavon, if I win,
(604) how would you like to come down to Washington
(605) and serve as my vice president...
(606) of the hot tub committee.
(607) Are you serious, sir?
(608) Yes, we can always use a good Repube
(609) like you on the other side of the aisle.
(610) Sir, you have no idea
(611) how much this would mean to me.
(612) When I was a little boy,
(613) I put a magic hat on a snowman.
(614) And he came to life.
(615) I blacked out, I got all dizzy
(616) and fell over on the ground.
(617) And when I came to,
(618) I looked up
(619) and the sky was filled with different colors.
(620) We were flying through the air together,
(621) kicking our little legs.
(622) We were free.
(623) We were free.
(624) I have that same feeling right now, sir.
(625) Just say, "yes."
(626) Yes-- yes, sir.
(627) Yes, sir.
(628) And sir, don't worry
(629) we will get you the great State of Georgia.
(630) I can promise you that, sir.
(631) Even though this is a State filled with Repubes,
(632) I will take my wife to every single town.
(633) She and I will suck as many dicks as it takes
(634) to get these votes, sir.
(635) That's how much you mean to me.
(636) The experiences we had together,
(637) I will never forget.
(638) Just being friends, you know?
(639) Not in a gay way,
(640) just another politician, you know?
(641) Just shared a warm bath together.
(642) I will go door-to-door
(643) and ask each and every person
(644) to have a heart and vote for FDR.
(645) I will do that, sir.
(646) I will do that.
(647) Love the guy
(648) crazier than shit, but I love him.
(649) Thank you, sir.
(650) [RADIO] And the results are slowly coming in.
(651) Here is what we know, so far
(652) Hoover has won Pennsylvania, New Hampshire, Vermont,
(653) Delaware, and Connecticut.
(654) Ooh.
(655) Roosevelt has managed to secure
(656) New York, New Jersey, Virginia, Tennessee, and Georgia.
(657) Hah, hah! Good old Cleavon Buford,
(658) that son of a bitch did it!
(659) I'll bet Mrs. Buford carried a few favors too.
(660) Who?
(661) A Congressman we met
(662) and his wife, lovely people.
(663) Southern.
(664) Two more States have come in
(665) North and South Carolina are for Roosevelt.
(666) Yow! Ah.
(667) Daddy! Daddy!
(668) I have great news.
(669) Being gay is not great news, James.
(670) We are listening to the results
(671) to see if your father is going to be President.
(672) That's just it-- he won.
(673) He won!
(674) Hoover only carried six States.
(675) You carried the rest of the country.
(676) If you're sniffing glue again,
(677) I swear to God I'll beat you with a fat man's belt
(678) and wheel over you repeatedly
(679) until you bleed out of your eyes, nose and ears.
(680) More State results are in
(681) Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, Nebraska
(682) my God, man, every other State except for Maine
(683) has gone to Roosevelt.
(684) Now, I am the most powerful man in the world!
(685) Suck it, bitches!
(686) You can't walk.
(687) I can't walk, I forgot.
(688) Mr. President, secret service agent, Dan Ru-- therford.
(689) What... the... fuck?
(690) Oh, shit.
(691) What is wrong with you people?
(692) Get it together, man.
(693) I'm just fucking with you.
(694) Woodrow Wilson did the same shit when he was elected.
(695) I knew it, I knew it!
(696) But you should tell your son to stop crapping in that vase.
(697) That's pretty messed up, man.
(698) James.
(699) I'll give you 15 minutes to collect yourselves.
(700) Then I need to get you to the White House, Mr. President.
(701) Mr. President.
(702) Mr. President. Yes!
(703) Wipe yourself, James, wipe yourself.
(704) [RADIO] And it's official-- the new President of the United States
(705) is Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
(706) Nein!
(707) Turn that scheisse off.
(708) I was afraid this would happen.
(709) Get Mussolini on the phone, schnell!
(710) Right away, Fuhrer.
(711) [RINGING]
(712) Rachel Ray's Beach at Broadway and 7th location.
(713) [GERMAN ACCENT] What! What the fuck?
(714) Whoa, hey, this is America, Jack.
(715) Who is this?
(716) I'll come down there and I'll get your fucking
(717) Sorry, Fuhrer, wrong Italian.
(718) That is a take-out place in New York
(719) that is quite delightful thin slices, crispy crust
(720) but not overdone, it's
(721) [RINGING]
(722) That's amore
(723) Mussolini, it's the fuhrer.
(724) Yah, heil me.
(725) Did you hear the news?
(726) [ITALIAN ACCENT] I heard all about that shit.
(727) We should have taken him out when we had the chance.
(728) I sent my best man to take him out
(729) before he decided to run.
(730) But the polio only spread to his legs.
(731) What about the cock?
(732) It still work?
(733) Jah. Ah, shit!
(734) The last thing we need is a big swinging dick
(735) in the White House
(736) trying to fuck up a whole world takeover.
(737) You are preaching to the gas chamber on this one.
(738) We already lost Franz.
(739) Okay, hold the phone,
(740) I'm going to get Hirohito on a 3-way.
(741) Get me Hirohito on a 3-way.
(742) [RINGING]
(743) Hirohito's on 61st and Madison.
(744) Hello, who?
(745) Hirohito's dry cleaner on 61st and Madison.
(746) What's the matter you?
(747) Hey. I'm so sorry, boss.
(748) That's a dry cleaning place I send out to in New York
(749) for my uniform.
(750) Perfect amount of starch
(751) not too much, not too little
(752) Hitler, is it too much to ask to have a decent assistant
(753) hate America like me?
(754) [LAUGHS] Tell me about it.
(755) [RINGING]
(756) [JAPANESE ACCENT] Hello.
(757) Hirohito, it's Moosie and Hitler.
(758) Ooh, you using that new 3-way switchboard technology
(759) my scientists invented.
(760) I told you the Japanese were good at electronics.
(761) Yeah, you also make a nice car
(762) but better you no drive, huh?
(763) That's funny.
(764) You heard about FDR?
(765) He got elected.
(766) Of course, I did.
(767) And I'm not happy about it!
(768) Hitler, you were supposed to take care of him.
(769) If this is going to be one of those
(770) gang-up-on-Hitler calls, I'm out.
(771) I say we go to war.
(772) Okay, not yet.
(773) I'm going to send my mafia guys over to America.
(774) And they're going to handle this problem
(775) and make it disappear.
(776) I'm going to pollute the whole country.
(777) And how do you plan on doing that?
(778) Prohibition.
(779) You see, these guys still bootleg
(780) my fine Italian wine.
(781) So, I'm going to take my werewolf blood
(782) and I'm going to stick it in my wine
(783) everybody drink in America.
(784) Then everybody going to be like us
(785) a werewolf.
(786) FDR, he going to have no chance.
(787) I'll make that whole country
(788) howling at the moon. [HOWLS] Yes, jawohl, I like it.
(789) I'll give some of mein fine German beer
(790) to take, as well, huh?
(791) Me like it too.
(792) Count me in.
(793) We will donate sake.
(794) Sake?
(795) Sake is for women und the gay community.
(796) Laugh it up, bitches!
(797) Sake is a sensual drink
(798) that relaxes the mind, body, and
(799) That's so funny. Fine!
(800) Fuck you!
(801) 3-way done!
(802) Pull it!
(803) Mr. President, may I present to you, George Freeman,
(804) the official White House butler. It's an honor, sir.
(805) Freeman, Mother.
(806) Yes, sir. Kind of ironic, isn't it?
(807) I guess so.
(808) Well, we're going to set this motherfucker off, George.
(809) Pound my shit!
(810) There's some weed in Washington's humidor
(811) third drawer down on the right, good stuff
(812) no sticks, no stems, no seeds.
(813) My negro.
(814) Literally.
(815) Mr. President, may I present to you
(816) White House secretary, Miss Melissa Ricksman.
(817) Mr. President, anything you need,
(818) anything at all, don't hesitate to ask.
(819) Anything you dictate, I will transcribe.
(820) My dictate works just fine.
(821) I mean my dick,
(822) if I was going to dictate something,
(823) I would talk directly to the American citizens.
(824) I'm sorry, sir, I'm not understanding.
(825) You are going to talk to them directly,
(826) as in town gatherings?
(827) No, what I mean is George, how are you with radios?
(828) I'm black, son. Cool!
(829) Then rig that bitch up
(830) so I can speak directly through it
(831) to the entire nation.
(832) Cool.
(833) Hat.
(834) Oh.
(835) There you go, sir.
(836) Right there.
(837) Check one-two, check one-two.
(838) Yo, turn me up in the headphones.
(839) Your levels are proper, kid.
(840) Now, let me turn this record player off.
(841) Ooh, shit, sorry guys.
(842) No, no, no, George, keep doing that-- I like that.
(843) The Delano needs to chat fireside up in this bitch.
(844) Let that beat right out.
(845) Franklin, I think this is inappropriate.
(846) Shh, grown men conversing seen, not heard, Eleanor.
(847) George, keep scratching.
(848) My fellow Americans,
(849) this is your new President, Franklin
(850) Delano Roosevelt,
(851) a.k.a. The Delano,
(852) a.k.a.
(853) Big Baby Juice Maker.
(854) And I'm chatting to you live from the double O.
(855) First of all,
(856) I want to thank you for electing me as your President.
(857) On the reels, that was a smart play.
(858) Hoover was great.
(859) They'll probably name a dam or a vacuum cleaner
(860) after him some day, but
(861) he wasn't cut out
(862) for what lies ahead.
(863) I know times are hard.
(864) Some of you are probably wondering
(865) where your next
(866) meal is coming from, or
(867) who your next employer is going to be.
(868) Hey, hold my hole.
(869) Back of the line wait for the glory hole.
(870) You-- glory hole four.
(871) Shh, wait, wait.
(872) I got to hear what he's got to say.
(873) Me too.
(874) or even if you're going to be able
(875) to buy your wife flowers anymore.
(876) [FART]
(877) James,
(878) stop crapping in that vase!
(879) Sorry, Manny.
(880) If your daddy wasn't President,
(881) I'd steam your chest like I was Grover Cleveland.
(882) I want you to rest assured
(883) that The Delano is going to handle shit.
(884) I've got a new deal for you.
(885) I vow
(886) to end the recession
(887) and get every American
(888) working again.
(889) How the hell's he going to do that?
(890) How the hell am I going to do that, you ask?
(891) I'm going to
(892) close our borders
(893) and block foreigners from coming in
(894) and taking away jobs from Americans.
(895) I'm going to give incentives
(896) to farmers who provide us with healthy food.
(897) And last, but not least,
(898) I'm going to end prohibition.
(899) I want to be able to come home
(900) after a hard day's work
(901) and drink a glass of whiskey and milk
(902) like a goddamn man!
(903) You hear that, darling?
(904) We don't have to make toilet wine anymore.
(905) Put the kiddies to sleep.
(906) Parents, push your beds together.
(907) And know when you wake up,
(908) you will wake up to a new America.
(909) This is The Delano,
(910) signing off.
(911) God bless.
(912) You're off the air, Mr. President.
(913) Jesus, Frank, what was that?
(914) I was freestyling again, son.
(915) Gangsta, wasn't it?
(916) Parents pushing their beds together
(917) that is disgusting.
(918) Oh, come on, Eleanor.
(919) I think by now the American people
(920) know that babies do not come from storks.
(921) Hell, we have six kids.
(922) Let's make a seventh one, tonight.
(923) Ooh! Ooh!
(924) You're sick.
(925) I'm going to tend the children.
(926) I loved your speech, Mr. President.
(927) Thank you. I don't know, Frank,
(928) shutting down the borders, ending prohibition.
(929) Sir, speaking of prohibition,
(930) I think there's something you need to see
(931) the FBI would like to have a word with you.
(932) Ooh, all right, Captain Ominous.
(933) The fucking guy.
(934) [CLANK]
(935) Oh, way to go, Einstein.
(936) Our scientist, Albert Einstein a real jackass.
(937) Mr. President, may I present Douglas MacArthur,
(938) Chief of Staff of the United States Army.
(939) Mr. President,
(940) Call me Frank.
(941) Dougie Mac. Peace be with you.
(942) And also with you.
(943) My father was a midget so, I'll keep it short.
(944) I heard your speech about ending prohibition, earlier.
(945) Dope, wasn't it? I was freestyling.
(946) And I can go along with that
(947) when we fuck all those bastards
(948) who wanted prohibition in the first place.
(949) But unfortunately sir,
(950) you can't end it right now.
(951) Why not?
(952) What we have here
(953) is a pale lager.
(954) And apparently it's been shipped from overseas.
(955) Now, some college students have bootlegged it
(956) and drank it, and have been wolfing out.
(957) Well, what did you do to them?
(958) We killed them!
(959) Is that legal?
(960) We're the United States Government-- anything's legal
(961) Fuck yeah.
(962) Now we ran some tests on this and sure enough we did find
(963) some small traces of werewolf blood in it.
(964) And the beer itself came back German.
(965) Same as the wolf.
(966) Motherfucker! And that's not all.
(967) We got a report that some kids went full on beast mode
(968) after drinking some wine.
(969) So, we tested that, as well.
(970) And it came back Italian.
(971) Polluted with wolf blood.
(972) Doesn't make any sense, Dougie.
(973) Tell me about it.
(974) Oh, and there was a lone case of sake
(975) that was found in the freighter.
(976) Untouched, obviously.
(977) Obviously.
(978) Anybody drank that, they'd come down
(979) with a fast case of dick-in-the-mouth.
(980) Chief symptom foaming at the ass.
(981) They'd start smelling in the testicular area.
(982) Shut the fuck up, Einstein!
(983) Damn!
(984) Now, I know this may sound crazy, Mr. President,
(985) but we think that Germany and Italy and Japan
(986) are joining forces
(987) to form a kind of axis of power
(988) to take over the world
(989) and turn everyone into werewolves.
(990) Thundercunt! Yes, it's a real fuckery!
(991) That same freighter is back
(992) unloading at a warehouse on a dock in Baltimore.
(993) I have a team of my men standing by.
(994) No, that won't be necessary.
(995) I got this shit on lock.
(996) I had a feeling you were going to say that.
(997) Heard you were a real hard-core S.O.B.
(998) You know, don't let this limp fool you.
(999) I'm as street as they come.
(1000) You cross me and the motherfuckers come undone.
(1001) No tux, no cummerbund.
(1002) Respect-- Einstein, the chair.
(1003) The chair?
(1004) I call this the Delano 2000.
(1005) Oh, shit.
(1006) That's what the fuck I'm talking about!
(1007) Welcome to death row, gentlemen.
(1008) Ha-ha!
(1009) This chair is fully tricked-out with two rocket launchers,
(1010) as well as 164 rounds of silver bullets
(1011) inside the wheel wells,
(1012) that when spun, activate a machine gun-like intensity.
(1013) Why do you call it the Delano 2000?
(1014) Because with this
(1015) the Delano is going to blow those werewolf asses
(1016) into the next century!
(1017) Regulators, mount up.
(1018) Hey Paulie, what the fuck?
(1019) Will you watch what you're doing!
(1020) You're going to spill that shit, you fucking mook.
(1021) Now that would be a shame.
(1022) Wouldn't it?
(1023) FDR.
(1024) Wow.
(1025) Surprised to see you here.
(1026) Hey, how's that polio treating you, huh?
(1027) Hey, I heard you were on your last leg.
(1028) But I thought you were a stand-up guy.
(1029) I'm sorry, is that your face
(1030) or are you talking out of a vagina?
(1031) You crippled motherfucker! Get him!
(1032) Okay, okay, okay!
(1033) Please, don't kill me, please.
(1034) Oh, well, since you're being so nice and saying, "please,"
(1035) the least I can do is offer you a drink.
(1036) All right!
(1037) What the hell do you want, huh?
(1038) I'll do anything.
(1039) I'll suck your dick.
(1040) What?
(1041) I'll suck your dick.
(1042) Please!
(1043) Get the fuck out of here
(1044) and show some respect for yourself, man!
(1045) Thank you, thank you, Mr. President.
(1046) And tell your leader, if I see another werewolf
(1047) on American soil,
(1048) I am personally going to come over there,
(1049) roll down the streets, and kill every last motherfucker
(1050) I see with a face comb-over.
(1051) Do you hear me!
(1052) The Delano don't give a fuck!
(1053) Boss,
(1054) Eh, what's the matter with you?
(1055) I'm making cannoli, you scared me out of my skin.
(1056) I mean, I know we're werewolf,
(1057) but have some couth, for Chris sake, huh?
(1058) I'm sorry, boss.
(1059) How did the drop off go?
(1060) Not too good, boss.
(1061) You see, Roosevelt showed up
(1062) and uh... he sort of killed everyone.
(1063) How the hell he kill everybody?
(1064) The guy got polio, for fuck sake!
(1065) That's just it he rolled up in some kind
(1066) of tricked-out wheel-fucking chair
(1067) with machine guns and missile contraptions.
(1068) I don't know.
(1069) But you still alive how do you do that, eh?
(1070) You suck the dick?
(1071) Oh, you suck the dick?
(1072) Oh, you suck the dick, Vincent.
(1073) No suck the dick.
(1074) Eh, Vincenzo, do me a favor.
(1075) You take a little plug over there,
(1076) you stick it in the wall in the hole that says Hitler.
(1077) Yeah, I make a call, go ahead. Yeah, sure, boss.
(1078) Anything else, boss?
(1079) No, I'm good, Vincenzo.
(1080) [SIGHS]
(1081) [RINGING]
(1082) You got to take a drink.
(1083) Hitler, it's Moose.
(1084) Shit got fucked up.
(1085) FDR, he iced everybody.
(1086) Scheisse, I told you that guy was ein badass.
(1087) What do you suggest we do?
(1088) You already know my answer.
(1089) It rhymes with go to fucking war.
(1090) Big shock, there.
(1091) You talk to Hirohito?
(1092) No, I'll get him on the 3-way.
(1093) Oh, scheisse!
(1094) Are you playing beer pong again with the big-titty girl?
(1095) Who me? [LAUGHS]
(1096) No, we're just working on plans to kill Jews. Ah.
(1097) Get me Hirohito.
(1098) [RINGING]
(1099) [PHONE RINGS]
(1100) Hello.
(1101) Hiro, it's Moosie and Hitler.
(1102) Excellent, how did the mission go?
(1103) Is Franklin dead?
(1104) No, he sniffed out our plan
(1105) and kill all my mafia guys
(1106) before they had a chance for the beer and the wine
(1107) to spill and take effect.
(1108) Did anyone think
(1109) Sir, this package just came for you.
(1110) Did I not kill you already?
(1111) No, sir, we do not all look alike.
(1112) I'm on 3-way long distance!
(1113) I'm sorry, sir, but this is from America.
(1114) There's a card that's from the White House
(1115) Hold on, guys.
(1116) Son of bitch!
(1117) I say we go to war.
(1118) If we spread the werewolf virus
(1119) across to neighboring countries,
(1120) we can take over the world slowly
(1121) and we crush him!
(1122) Yes, finally someone who gets it.
(1123) Hito, you are awesome.
(1124) I'll start with Austria, Czechoslovakia,
(1125) und then we march into Poland for lunch.
(1126) I will take over China.
(1127) Cool, I'll take Ethiopia.
(1128) What!
(1129) You fucking pussy.
(1130) Ethiopia, really?
(1131) What, Ethiopia is strong.
(1132) Great runners guys run very fast.
(1133) Plus, Hitler, you going to need
(1134) somebody coming up from the south
(1135) when they retreat down.
(1136) Yeah, well, it's kind of ein bitch move, but whatevers.
(1137) Bitchy, bitchy, bitchy.
(1138) Eh, fuck you guys.
(1139) Eh? Moosehead out.
(1140) Drink up, bitch, salute the fuhrer
(1141) Heil me, Heil me.
(1142) Are you playing beer pong?
(1144) Can't hear you bad reception.
(1145) Now, where were we, Fraulein?
(1146) The werewolfs are spreading fast.
(1147) That's why I came here in person, he needs our help.
(1148) Have you ever met him?
(1149) No, but I heard he's a big drinker.
(1150) Who isn't?
(1151) Well, I've invited Buford and his wife to join us.
(1152) Hopefully, he'll help break the ice.
(1153) Who's this
(1154) Frank, I came as soon as I got your message.
(1155) Oh, hello, Congressman Cleavon Baybridge Buford,
(1156) Repube, Georgia also vice-president
(1157) of the hot tub committee.
(1158) My wi-- well, I'm sorry,
(1159) Dougie Mac, is that you?
(1160) No, I don't think we've met.
(1161) Oh, sure we have.
(1162) You did a cannonball into the hot tub last week
(1163) when the Swiss delegates were there.
(1164) No, I think you're thinking of someone else.
(1165) You're hung like a full-grown ox.
(1166) That's Dougie Mac!
(1167) Mr. President, may I present to you,
(1168) Sir Winston Churchill.
(1169) You guys are drinking.
(1170) And during a time like this.
(1171) Jesus, honestly, had I known this,
(1172) I would have come earlier.
(1173) Rosey, you old son of a bitch.
(1174) Oh, Winny, Winny, it's nice to meet you.
(1175) Buford, would you pour him a drink?
(1176) Yes, sir, in just a moment, sir.
(1177) I bring my own.
(1178) Well, that's my kind of man, yes.
(1179) Call this the Georgia sweet tea.
(1180) Thank you, Mrs. Buford.
(1181) Boy, this drink is as stiff as a dead man's cock.
(1182) Thank you, sir.
(1183) I take great pride in that.
(1184) My father passed away with an erection.
(1185) Look, Rosey,
(1186) I'm going to cut through all the dumb shit
(1187) we're at war.
(1188) And these goddamn werewolves are getting
(1189) closer and closer to us by the day.
(1190) So, what do you need from The Delano?
(1191) Supplies, ammo, ships, tanks
(1192) anything you can spare that will stop these fucking things!
(1193) And look, we're the only ones
(1194) who speak English over in Europe.
(1195) You need us to be werewolf free.
(1196) Ireland speaks English.
(1197) You need someone you can understand.
(1198) Half the time I don't even know
(1199) what these potato fuckers are trying to say.
(1200) Look, just lend me something that will blow their minds.
(1201) Fine, I will lend you my wife.
(1202) I will do it for my country.
(1203) Thank you dear lady.
(1204) But I actually need real weapons.
(1205) Are you saying my wife's breasts aren't real weapons?
(1206) They have killed lesser men.
(1207) They're powerful, sir, but I need weapons
(1208) of steel and smoke and noise.
(1209) Well, you can motorboat them if you want
(1210) and make your own noises.
(1211) Well, let me level with you, Winnie
(1212) I want those sons of bitches
(1213) wiped off the face of this earth
(1214) just as much as you do.
(1215) But I have to justify this to the American people.
(1216) Dougie, do we got any extra shit?
(1217) Sure, we can open up some more defense plants too.
(1218) Frank, there's an election coming up.
(1219) No offense, Mr. Churchill, but we can't just lend it to you.
(1220) But we could lease it to you.
(1221) And whatever you use, you pay for.
(1222) So it would be sort of a
(1223) a lend-lease kind of program?
(1224) Exactly.
(1225) You've got a deal!
(1226) Oh, damn, go Winnie!
(1227) Also, uh...
(1228) I could lease you my wife.
(1229) Yeah, whatever holes you use, you pay for.
(1230) I think we'll all take that deal.
(1231) To the hot tub!
(1232) Yes, sir, to the hot tub.
(1233) Did you bring cash?
(1234) Mr. President, Uh-huh.
(1235) I have an urgent telegram from Churchill.
(1236) Please read it aloud.
(1237) [SHOUTS] Rosey, it's me!
(1238) No, I didn't mean loud.
(1239) Just read it normally.
(1240) Rosey, it's me,
(1241) Winnie has his head stuck in the honey pot on this one.
(1242) Need troops.
(1243) Send Miss Buford over too.
(1244) XO, W.C.
(1245) Oh, shit.
(1246) I was afraid of this.
(1247) I was trying to keep us out of this damn war
(1248) as long as I could.
(1249) Being President of the free world is
(1250) oh, it's so stressful.
(1251) I bet-- sir, anything that I can do?
(1252) How about a massage?
(1253) That would be rad.
(1254) No, what are you doing? Don't.
(1255) Don't, no, they're all shriveled-up from polio.
(1256) I don't mind-- just sit and relax. Don't-- don't.
(1257) Shh-hhh
(1258) Oh, God, that feels so good.
(1259) Oh, God.
(1260) Oh, my God.
(1261) [GROANS]
(1262) Eleanor hates my tiny, little, shriveled-up polio legs.
(1263) I don't.
(1264) Oh God!
(1265) They remind me of home!
(1266) Huh?
(1267) I used to enter the hot dog eating contest
(1268) every year at Coney Island.
(1269) So sexy!
(1270) Whoa, whoa, whoa...
(1271) [GROANS]
(1272) Tie me, Frank, tie me!
(1273) Frank,
(1274) What the shit?
(1275) It's not what it seems, unh-unh.
(1276) Oh, it's not?
(1277) Because it looks like your secretary is sucking
(1278) mustard and ketchup off of you.
(1279) Then it is what it seems.
(1280) And it looks like Eleanor Roosevelt
(1281) is going to have to strong arm a ho!
(1282) Get the fuck out of here,
(1283) I need to talk to my husband, bitch!
(1284) Really, Franklin.
(1285) Jesus.
(1286) Oh, my God, just look at yourself.
(1287) You are President of the United States!
(1288) Frank! Ooh. What is it, Louis?
(1289) MacArthur's here with General Eisenhower-- says it's urgent.
(1290) Oh, of course, it's always fucking urgent!
(1291) Well, I Well, I, oh-- by all means, go.
(1292) And if they ask you what happened here,
(1293) just tell them a rainbow took a shit on your legs.
(1294) [CRIES]
(1295) Do you have a handkerchief, Louis?
(1296) I think it's going to take a full-blown shower, chief.
(1297) Talk to her Eleanor's more important.
(1298) I'll make the Generals wait.
(1299) Jesus.
(1300) General, General...
(1301) wait.
(1302) Oh, so this is what this room looks like.
(1303) I wouldn't know because you've never let me sleep in here.
(1304) Don't you dare try to turn this around on me.
(1305) I saw that whore on her knees
(1306) rubbing and moaning all over you as she touched your le
(1307) What?
(1308) My what, Eleanor? Say it.
(1309) I want you to say it.
(1310) Your le-- le-- le
(1311) Legs-- my tiny, little, shriveled-up polio legs!
(1312) Eleanor, take a good look at them!
(1313) No.
(1314) Look at them.
(1315) I can't, it's just too hard, Frank. Is it?
(1316) Is it hard for you, Eleanor?
(1317) What about me?
(1318) I'm stuck in this damn wheelchair
(1319) for the rest of my life with a wife
(1320) who doesn't want to have sex with me.
(1321) I may be the only President
(1322) in the history of the United States
(1323) who's never gotten laid in office.
(1324) And this is my third term!
(1325) Now, am I going to ball the secretary,
(1326) who obviously has daddy issues, of course I am!
(1327) Because, at least, she shows some interest in me.
(1328) Did you honestly believe that I thought
(1329) that you had to tend to the children
(1330) every night for the last nine years?
(1331) Eleanor, we have one kid
(1332) who's old enough to shit in a vase!
(1333) I know.
(1334) Excuse me.
(1335) I have to go tend
(1336) to an entire nation.
(1337) Damn you, Frank!
(1338) At ease, gentlemen, sit.
(1339) What's the haps, Dougie Mac?
(1340) And who the fuck is this?
(1341) This is General Dwight Eisenhower,
(1342) call sign-- Dew Drop.
(1343) Mr. President,
(1344) it is a pleasure for me to be here
(1345) Let's keep the pleasantries to the left hand on your clam bag.
(1346) You know, I'm surprised to see you boys here this late.
(1347) This better be important.
(1348) Well, sir, I only wish we were here to tell you
(1349) about some hot dog eating contest that's gone wrong.
(1350) But we're not.
(1351) What the fuck did you just say?
(1352) Come here.
(1353) Come here.
(1354) Come here-- a little closer. Yes, sir.
(1355) I can fucking weigh you down, pretty boy!
(1356) Mr. President!
(1357) Mr. President! Mr. President!
(1358) Okay, all right.
(1359) You still got it, you old son of a bitch-- good!
(1360) We're going to need your spirit. For what?
(1361) War!
(1362) I got this telegram from Churchill.
(1363) Shit is fucked up over there.
(1364) He's not going to be able to hold out much longer.
(1365) They're converging from all angles, Mr. President.
(1366) Germany has already taken Austria, Czechoslovakia,
(1367) Poland, and France is likely next.
(1368) Of course, they're pussies.
(1369) Japan has taken complete control of China
(1370) and now, they're focusing on Russia.
(1371) I also got a telegram from Missy, from your secretary,
(1372) from the Prime Minister of Ethiopia.
(1373) Italy has taken them over and I dismissed it because
(1374) Because it's fucking Ethiopia.
(1375) In all seriousness, sir, I know you've been trying
(1376) to avoid going to war for years, but now
(1377) We must blast their fucking asses!
(1378) Player to player, pimp to pimp, I appreciate it.
(1379) Well, let me put my mind on the grind
(1380) while you unwind just for tonight.
(1381) I'll go fireside on their ass tomorrow
(1382) and when the American people come home from work,
(1383) I'll tell them...
(1384) that we're going to war.
(1385) I want you two to strategize a plan of attack.
(1386) And we'll reconvene at O. H.!
(1387) [BOTH] R.O.
(1388) I'll catch you in the heart of things.
(1389) Mr. President.
(1390) Mr. President, do you need anything before bed, sir?
(1391) You got anything that will tell me what to do
(1392) with this fucking mess I'm in, right now?
(1393) Third drawer down on the right Washington's humidor.
(1394) It'll give you advice on everything you need to know.
(1395) What kind of shit were you into, G-dubs?
(1396) Oh.
(1397) [MALE VOICE] Jane, Mary Jane, Mary Jane, how I miss you.
(1398) Over here, boss.
(1399) You going to choke on that like a prom date
(1400) or are you going to give The Honest One some?
(1401) Oh, shit, I'm high.
(1402) Yeah, that's rad.
(1403) Would you pass that dutchie to the right-hand side
(1404) I've been dead for 75 years there, chief.
(1405) Thanks, dude.
(1406) Why don't you come with me?
(1407) We're going to talk.
(1408) Are you real?
(1409) No, only when other presidents are in time of crisis
(1410) and need advice.
(1411) Oh, man, that is so cool. Yeah.
(1412) There's this president in the next century-- Uh-huh.
(1413) Obama-- he's going to be talking to me a lot.
(1414) Oh, man, you got a raw deal
(1415) with that whole John Wilkes Booth thing.
(1416) Mary Todd had to go to that fucking play.
(1417) Bitch.
(1418) Hey it sounds like you did any better.
(1419) Where? What has two wheels,
(1420) looks gay, and isn't a bicycle?
(1421) This guy. D'oh!
(1422) Well played, sir,
(1423) well played.
(1424) Oh, fuck, Linc, I'm in a real shit-pickle with the missus.
(1425) She caught me playing hide the wrench in the steam engine
(1426) with my secretary.
(1427) I know, I saw that.
(1428) What? You bastard, you were watching?
(1429) Of course.
(1430) You were about two minutes away
(1431) from her throwing your legs over her head.
(1432) Somebody had told me that the Japanese,
(1433) that their werewolves are teaming up
(1434) with the German and the Italian werewolves
(1435) and they're trying to take over the world.
(1436) But I just can't figure out why.
(1437) Now, you were attacked, right?
(1438) Do you have any insight on the werewolf tip?
(1439) Werewolves-- they're telepathic-- always have been.
(1440) They can sense when someone's born with true greatness
(1441) someone who's a revolutionary.
(1442) That's what they see in you.
(1443) It's what they saw in me.
(1444) It's what they saw in Washington.
(1445) Hey, what, did they attack G-thing too?
(1446) That's why he left his weed.
(1447) That's why I could have this talk with him,
(1448) and so, you could have this talk with me.
(1449) Why didn't they go after Woodrow?
(1450) Oh, I mean, he was, you know, there for World War I.
(1451) That was a bitch war.
(1452) We really didn't need to be in that shit.
(1453) G-dub was a rocking revolutionary.
(1454) I laid the beat down on civil and you're the man.
(1455) You are the man to lead us through the deuce.
(1456) Oh, shit, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
(1457) I'm just freestyling half the time.
(1458) I just do what I feel is right.
(1459) I didn't know what the fuck I was doing.
(1460) Shit.
(1461) I thought so.
(1462) Don't worry, man,
(1463) I just did what I believed in my heart.
(1464) You do the same and you'll be straight.
(1465) You're one cool motherfucker, Linc.
(1466) I know.
(1467) You are, man, you are.
(1468) You want to see something cool?
(1469) What's that?
(1470) I can fucking fly.
(1471) This is awesome! Isn't it?
(1472) Hey look, there's my monument.
(1473) Is there going to be a statue like that of me?
(1474) No, no, no, but they're going to name like,
(1475) a thousand high schools after you.
(1476) That's cool. Yes, it is.
(1477) Hey, Hey, check it out.
(1478) There's a hot dog vendor. You-- you hungry?
(1479) Hey, FDR, this is for you, Roosevelt.
(1480) Yeah!
(1481) Oh, you fucker!
(1482) [GUFFAWS]
(1483) Oh, shit. What?
(1484) Look at them.
(1485) What's up, Abe?
(1486) Thanks for freeing me.
(1487) Look, I'm fucking a white girl.
(1488) You're welcome.
(1489) Emancipate that ass.
(1490) You know this, kid.
(1491) God damnit, you are cool. I know.
(1492) Here you go, Sam.
(1493) Who's that?
(1494) That's Uncle Sam, the bald eagle of justice.
(1495) Why don't you grab on to those wings and he'll carry you home.
(1496) Oh, no, no, no, I'm too heavy.
(1497) No, if he can handle Taft, he can certainly handle you.
(1498) Come on there, Frankie,
(1499) grab one of those wings of justice.
(1500) Grab on and he'll take you home. No, I can't.
(1501) No, I can't, no. You can do it.
(1502) I can't, I can't oh, shit!
(1503) Hey!
(1504) You weren't honest at all!
(1505) [YELLS]
(1506) You okay, sir?
(1507) I had this weird dream.
(1508) Louis, get Dougie Mac and Ike on the phone.
(1509) Right away, sir.
(1510) Scrambled eggs and sausage, sir?
(1511) You look like you have the munchies.
(1512) Oh, that sounds good.
(1513) Jorge, Si, senor.
(1514) Respect.
(1515) For what?
(1516) Let's get wet.
(1517) Louis, you got him?
(1518) Our drop point is right here, gentlemen.
(1519) And once you hit the ground
(1520) you have to hit the ground running.
(1521) Our element of surprise,
(1522) it's only going to last so long
(1523) once they finally figure out
(1524) that we're actually launching a full-scale attack.
(1525) Attention!
(1526) I got it from here, Ike.
(1527) I know what you're thinking, as you stare at that map.
(1528) Hell, I'm thinking the same thing.
(1529) How in the world are we going to storm
(1530) the beaches of Normandy,
(1531) take down an entire army of werewolves,
(1532) and still make it to a French titty-bar by last call?
(1533) At ease, gentlemen.
(1534) I am not going to tell you
(1535) that there aren't going to be casualties,
(1536) or that it's going to be easy.
(1537) Because it's not.
(1538) Unfortunately, that is the business of war.
(1539) I can't change that.
(1540) But I can lead by example.
(1541) And not the example of somebody
(1542) who has survived a werewolf attack
(1543) and now wheels back and forth in front of you
(1544) like a God damn cripple in a wheel chair!
(1545) That's right take a good look.
(1546) Cripple in a wheelchair!
(1547) Cripple in the wheelchair!
(1548) I could have heard that my entire life
(1549) as people waited on me hand and foot.
(1550) And there's nothing wrong with that.
(1551) Except I wanted more
(1552) I wanted to be the President of the United States.
(1553) I wanted to lead this great nation of ours
(1554) in its darkest hour.
(1555) And now I am going to lead you into war.
(1556) I am going to fly the first plane in
(1557) and lead our troops onto the beach.
(1558) "Why would you do this?" you might ask.
(1559) Not because I'm President of the United States.
(1560) Not because it's the heroic thing to do.
(1561) I am doing this to prove
(1562) to those werewolves,
(1563) that despite their attack,
(1564) I am not just going to sit here
(1565) like some cripple in a wheelchair!
(1566) Now look,
(1567) I know that you're scared.
(1568) Hell, I'm afraid too.
(1569) But I want you to remember...
(1570) we have nothing to fear, but...
(1571) fear itself.
(1572) Now, let's go kick some werewolf ass tomorrow!
(1573) Hito's been handled, he won't bother us anymore.
(1574) Word. Yep.
(1575) Fucking Einstein
(1576) That project he was working on in Manhattan is ready.
(1577) Way to go, Einstein.
(1578) Let me go with you.
(1579) No, Lou, The Delano's got to do this on his own.
(1580) I'm a motorcycle of death.
(1581) I ain't got no sidecar. I know.
(1582) Chair's all loaded with silver Bs.
(1583) Rockets are loaded.
(1584) You're all set. Thanks, man.
(1585) Oh, Lou, I just want you to know,
(1586) if anything happens to me,
(1587) take care of my mistress, will you?
(1588) I have a spare key
(1589) for the Lincoln bedroom underneath the mat,
(1590) but you might want to change the sheets first, though.
(1591) Okay.
(1592) Word.
(1593) Word.
(1594) Give them hell, Frank!
(1595) Yeah!
(1596) Tower one, this is Franklin Delano Roosevelt,
(1597) call sign-- Wheels of Steel.
(1598) Ready for take off.
(1599) [RADIO] Roger that, Mr. President.
(1600) This is Commander Winston Churchill,
(1601) call sign Big Fish and Chips.
(1602) You're clear for take off.
(1603) Winnie, you old son of a bitch,
(1604) what are you doing in there?
(1605) Do you think I'd miss this?
(1606) If I wasn't drunk and blind,
(1607) I'd be up there with you, right now.
(1608) I appreciate that, Churchie.
(1609) No retreat.
(1610) No fucking surrender!
(1611) God damn right!
(1612) Now, go over there and blow
(1613) those fucking werewolves
(1614) off the face of the planet!
(1615) Over and out.
(1616) May God be with you, Frank.
(1617) Oh, come on, George.
(1618) I'm fidgeting here
(1619) like a three-peckered puppy in a wood chipper.
(1620) Hold on, hold on, I'm almost there.
(1621) [RADIO] Oh, ho-ho-ho!
(1622) I think that's him.
(1623) So, I said to Stalin,
(1624) "I don't care if you are Russian,
(1625) you can't grab another man's cock at dinner
(1626) and say, 'Sorry, I thought that was my breadstick.'"
(1627) You know? [LAUGHS] That's him all right.
(1628) [CHURCHILL] Commies, what are you going to do with them?
(1629) They're all dick grabbers. They love it.
(1630) All right, Frank, you're approaching France.
(1631) Let's go silent on the radio unless it's necessary-- over.
(1632) [FRANK] Over and out.
(1633) Get a hold of him?
(1634) Yeah, I think Stalin got a hold of him, personal.
(1635) That is enough, George.
(1636) Sorry, go back to standing
(1637) in the corner and being black.
(1638) How are you, Eleanor?
(1639) I'm hanging in there.
(1640) I'm just so worried.
(1641) Yeah.
(1642) Can't imagine what you must be feeling.
(1643) Boss, boss, it's FDR.
(1644) Whoop, what the fuck?
(1645) [CHURCHILL] What is it, Frank?
(1646) I'm under attack.
(1647) Jesus Hightower Christ,
(1648) they're lighting me up like an Indian peace pipe
(1649) before the first Thanksgiving dinner!
(1650) God damnit, Frank, get the hell out of there!
(1651) I can't, there's too much fire power.
(1652) These fucking werewolves are relentless.
(1653) Ha ha, it's time to go cripple-dick crazy
(1654) on these motherfuckers!
(1655) I was going to open
(1656) a chain of Italian restaurants in America
(1657) with a staff that make you feel like family.
(1658) I was going to call
(1659) the Olive...
(1660) Garden.
(1661) What kind of name is Delano, anyway?
(1662) It sounds Jewish!
(1663) Oh, oh, shit.
(1664) Shit, I'm hit, I'm hit.
(1665) [CHURCHILL] Talk to me, Frank, Talk to me. The right engine is out.
(1666) [FRANK] I'm going down.
(1667) I'm going down.
(1668) I'm going down!
(1669) Frank!
(1670) Mayday! Mayday!
(1671) This is Franklin Delano Roosevelt,
(1672) call sign-- Wheels of Steel, I'm going down!
(1673) I'm going down!
(1674) I got to bail out too much firepower.
(1675) I don't know if I'm going
(1676) [RADIO NOISE]
(1677) [SOBS] No
(1678) I am a President's wife.
(1679) I knew what I was getting into when he took the job.
(1680) George,
(1681) Yes, mam.
(1682) could you get me the bottle
(1683) that Mr. Daniels sent over?
(1684) Yes, mam. Thank you.
(1685) [WHISPERS] Cheers.
(1686) I'm sure he's all right.
(1687) He's got to be all right it's Frank, right?
(1689) Come here, you son of a bitch.
(1690) I got your back, Frank.
(1691) What the hell are you doing here?
(1692) I stashed myself away in there
(1693) just in case you might need some help.
(1694) Oh!
(1695) Plus, I wouldn't miss a chance
(1696) to help you kill some werewolves.
(1697) Hold on, I'm going to get you out of here.
(1698) Underneath the arms.
(1699) Friends until the end, Frank.
(1700) Friends until the end!
(1701) Hang on, Frank, I'm going to get you out of here.
(1702) You ready, Frank?
(1703) Red-eye!
(1704) Follow me!
(1705) Wow, we're really high up here, aren't we, Frank?
(1706) We're really doing it.
(1707) We're going into war.
(1708) Yeah.
(1709) Oh, shit.
(1710) What?
(1711) Hey, Frank,
(1712) remember when I said, "Friends until the end?"
(1713) Yeah.
(1714) well, this is the end.
(1715) I'm not wearing a parachute.
(1716) I'm definitely going to die.
(1717) You're a hero, Cleavon.
(1718) I'll make sure people know that.
(1719) I appreciate that, Frank.
(1720) And Frank,
(1721) take care of my wife for me.
(1722) No doubt.
(1723) Oh.
(1724) Down with Americans.
(1725) You want The Delano, bitch!
(1726) You got The Delano, motherfucker!
(1727) Fuck you, Roosevelt, fuck you!
(1728) Picture me rolling!
(1729) What's up, Hitler?
(1730) [RADIO] It's been 16 days since President Roosevelt's plane
(1731) went down over Normandy and there's still
(1732) no sign of the old stalwart.
(1733) At this point most have begun to fear the worst
(1734) that our beloved FDR has been killed.
(1735) Turn that God damn thing off.
(1736) I can't bear it, anymore.
(1737) I'm back.
(1738) I have a nice crème brûlée and a chocolate mousse.
(1739) I'll take the chocolate mousse if you-- Get the fuck out of here.
(1740) Bet if I was white I could have had
(1741) a chocolate mousse.
(1742) Who ordered the burnt honky with the side of polio?
(1743) For God's sake, Frank.
(1744) What?
(1745) Somebody die?
(1746) Oh yeah, Mussolini and Hitler,
(1747) I capped those bitches.
(1748) Oh, Frank, I knew it!
(1749) What the hell happened out there?
(1750) Well, my plane was shot to shit,
(1751) so I had to go rogue
(1752) I had to go with an old-school ground attack.
(1753) There were werewolves everywhere.
(1754) I just never took my finger off the trigger.
(1755) It was a hell of a battle, hell of a battle!
(1756) Were you captured? You've been missing for 16 days.
(1757) No, I killed Hitler and Mussolini right off
(1758) and most of their soldiers.
(1759) I was cool until I had to wheel myself out of there.
(1760) Do you know how hard it is
(1761) to maneuver a wheelchair through sand?
(1762) [LAUGHS]
(1763) Eleanor, are you okay?
(1764) You haven't said anything.
(1765) Aren't you happy to see me?
(1766) Damn you, damn you,
(1767) don't you ever put me through anything like that again!
(1768) Ooh, come here!
(1769) Come here.
(1770) [BAWLS]
(1771) Sh-hhh, I told you, baby,
(1772) ain't nobody going to take down The Delano.
(1773) I'm going to ride you like a free pony
(1774) at the state fair, tonight.
(1775) Frank, should we leave?
(1776) I'm cool to stay.
(1777) Oh, no, actually, George,
(1778) I want you to rig up the radio.
(1779) Daddy wants to go fireside.
(1780) Right away, sir.
(1781) Back in the saddle, Frankie.
(1782) My fellow Americans,
(1783) [RADIO] this is your President, Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
(1784) As you know, we are at war.
(1785) And as your President,
(1786) I felt the need to lead our troops into battle
(1787) a battle which we successfully won.
(1788) The fight against werewolves is over!
(1789) For those of you who thought I was gone,
(1790) allow me to reintroduce myself
(1791) It's Franklin Delano Roosevelt, motherfucker!

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